Reflection Magic

Still sad, but not so bad as Monday.
What a timing to stop with my Meds...silly me.
Well, made my choice, so I'll stick with it.
Just have to get used to my more spirited self again.
Melancholy doesn't seem to blur my eyes though...
Water is Magic...pure Force of Life
I close my eyes and drink you in with every pore of my body...

Ghost of Me

December isn't my kind of month,
today isn't my day...I'm blue as blue can be.
Blue, well that's me.
December the month of dark nights with sparkling lights,
family,
Christmas carols sung with so much glee and one crying soul.
Well, that's me.

I feel wave after wave crashing in on my resolve to play the part of "I'm ok, I'm fine, no hurting here....really".
No "I wanna go to sleep and wake up in a new and bright 2007"
This year I can't seem to pretend.
Tear after tear keeps rimming my eye to the point of no return.
Drawing salty lines down my cheeks and making me feel weak and silly and oh so sad.
Mister tear, haven't you been here just last year, round the same month, the same day, the same hour?
Haven't I seen you before, oh dear...here we go again.

Every year it's the same thing all over again.
When the candles are lit, the tree stands proud, people gathering round...
I feel lonely, longing for something loved and lost...so precious, so fragile, so out of my reach.
I miss you Mom, more then words can say.
Wishing you were still here with me.
It's such a big world without your light to guide me, so big...and I'm so small
It's gonna be a lonely Christmas without you...again.

Designers Block

When the heat is on...my brain start cooking....AAARGHHHHHH.
Can't even spell anymore, well that says it all....AAAAAARRGGGGHHHH.
But I'm fine really...:))

Smelling the Roses

Life is good...

Weekend can't start soon enough...

Finally...

Finally it happened...autumn packed up it's things, left it's summerhouse and came rushing back in.
Who needs a holiday when you can play and frolic right at home?
When cold, wet winds start to beat their tingly waves at my face and my hair starts to imagine it's attached to a wild bucking Bronco...I feel my step becoming springy and my mind waking up with a start...Eying the world with surprise and vivid longing.
Something about autumn makes me feel more alive, more vibrant then any other season. It takes me by surprise year after year.
Who cares about the red, runny nose... Give me autumn anytime, to chase colorful falling leaves, to lean against a wind that wants to knock me down. The feeling of time passing, life ending with a big bang but always with the certain hope of spring. The season when Mother Earth throws all her energy in your face and laughs her infectious laugh. A laugh you can feel bubbling in your stomach...like being in love, in love with life...oh sweet life...

Phew

Fist day is a fact. Think I will enjoy myself over there. But suspect one colleague of mine is on the verge of a breakdown but doesn't know it yet. So ... we will see what will happen. Hope I get to do more, because today was just too easy... But for now it's ok, am not jumping up and down, but I'm not screaming and kicking either. Time will tell.

On my lunchbreak I went outside and sat down at an espressobar around the corner. My table'mate' was an architect of Rem Koolhaas....very intimidating. But I had a fairly nice conversation with her. Think I will go to that 'bar' more often, interesting people to find there.

Fingers crossed

Starting my new job tomorrow.
So me and Jack ran around my house and put my whole interior tupsy turvey...
Wish me luck...and fingers crossed.

Last dance...

Last dance...or in this case...last day at work.
Don't know what I'm feeling right now.
I had a ball...freedom, play, interesting projects, a clown of a boss, nice colleagues...and now..nothing.
I believe I was already missing everybody and everything last week. And now it just feels like tomorrow I'll wake up, hop under the shower, get dressed, stuff my mouth full off the first eatable thing in grabbing range and jump on the train to Rotterdam, step in the metro, exit at Leuvenhaven and walk those short 5 minutes to work. Never more...oh drama...
Well it's not that big of a deal, but it just feels so strange. Don't think I will find a boss like that anytime soon. I learned a lot about management and processes from him and I always knew he respected my opinion ). But most of all we shot the word 'silly' into a whole new dimension, we had so much fun and I'm gonna miss that a lot.
Hope we can all keep in touch, like Humphrey Bogard said in Casablanca...
"I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

Cocktail Tipsy

Went out with my boss and a couple of colleagues from work to celebrate that we are leaving and starting with new jobs / careers / studies etc. We ended up in a cocktailbar and then it got interesting...drank cocktails with spicy names like Passion Fruit and Pussy Juice (not kidding) and got a bit tipsy. The wild stories went back and forth...It's a good thing we are leaving the .... Some made me blush, but mostly I laught till my tummy didn't like me anymore. That's a bar I'm gonna visit more often and see what secret bedtime stories I can pull out of my victims...:)))))
Ha Ha Haaa Ha
(Ghostly Creepy Laughter with echo).

Neurotic...why me?

Some days I tell myself that I am just a normal, totally average, pure sane, nothing wrong with me kind of lady. It's a pity it doesn't hold out long. Say a couple of hours, 30 minutes...ok 15 then.. Everything went just fine, going out with a couple of friends, meeting with mister O., flirting away...and then. Take him home and then what happens? I get all nervous, almost shown him my 'stampcollection', the plants that don't exist in this plane, the stains on the wall... getting totally nervous because my house is a mess and I get all territorial.... Pffffffff. Sometimes it's damn tiring being me, I tell you. So now I sit at home...alone, totally awake and telling the whole world I'm one .... neurotic bird. Care for a tune anyone?

Photo Marathon Rotterdam 2006

Mmmm has been a while, hasn't it? Don't know what's up with me lately, I feel like a bear preparing for hibernation. In the meanwhile I've become 32, I almost need a new job and I'm still a 'happy' single. But that doesn't mean I don't do stuff.
This weekend I participated in a Photo Marathon in Rotterdam with a good friend of mine, we had a lot of fun. It's nice to have a friend you can spend 24 hours with in total harmony, not needing to talk unless you want to, to feel free to go your way and knowing you won't hurt someone's feelings. We've known eachother all our lives and I'm glad she is back in Holland again.

The Marathon was a blast, 24 hours, 24 assignments, 24 photos and 6 checkpoints all over the city. A sheik on a bike wanted to take me home at 5 am in the morning, promising me a world premiere if I went with him...eh...don't think so, but it made me smile. Lissa and me broke into a building construction site, went over the fence (can't believe I made it) and roamed this Nomandsland hunting for a picture. It was fascinating and I took some terrific shots, only to delete them again, because only one picture per assignment was allowed. After 16 hours we went to her brothers house and took some shots, me under a sword's blade (iek) and her brother sweating (sponged the poor guy with cold cold water) on a hometrainer. I took a terrific shot of his back, but because it was Lissa's picture I had to delete it. So I asked if I could download my picts on his computer. And then Murphy said Hi. Memorycard exploded, PC imploded, my camera said F...you and pictures allllll gonnnnneeee....AAAARRGH. Fortunately her brother (Bless his soul) was so smart to download all my picts instead of only his picture....pfffffew. So after a lot of stress, breathing exercises, my camera kicked back into action and I mailed my pictures to the organization. Stepping out in the brisk nightair I was wide awake and happy to continue.

In about two weeks the pictures taken during this marathon will be on the website: www.fotomarathon.nl
And within a month or so we meet again and the winners of the best sera and best photo are gonna be announced. Don't think I'll win something, because the Marathon was flocked with prof. photographers with canons instead of camera's. But the challenge and the fun will stay with me a long time. It was tiring but it was worth while. I know now that I'm getting older... couldn't get out of bed this morning because all my muscles were knotted together and the pain...auw auw auw. Feeling a bit better now, but ...auw auw auw. I had some aches last friday and Saturday during the marathon I was a bit stiff, but Sunday was OK, so I didn't expect this to happen. Well hope I'll be ready for work tomorrow, so much to do, the week has started, so let's get to work. :))

Oh before I forget this were the assignments (from left to right)

- Seen through a window
- Vertigo
- Dodo (Walgvogel...wist ik veel dat dat een Dodo was...)
- The man who knew too much ("Everything of value is funerable" Lucebert)
- Nomansland
- Camel Toe
- Spirit of Salt
- Dixieland
- Though City (Kranige Stad)
- My stampcard somehow ended up in the middle (???!)
- Zero Tolerance
- Wrong Moment
- Dagschotelman (really couldn't translate that expression in English...eh...anyone?)
- Meeting with Henk
- Revenge in the name of honor (Eerwraak)
- Cold Sweat
- Drowning by numbers
- Swingers Party
- La grande Bouffe
- Aasgier en Asfaltbloem (like Dagschotelman...just couldn't find the right words)
- Dogwatch (last nightshift on a ship)
- 6st Sense
- optical illusion
- The blue hour
- Why me (statue in remembrance of the Second World War..1940-1945)


The naughty picture that almost exploded a computer, a memorycard, a camera and a photomarathon...isn't it worth the while?! :))

Ode to Beethoven...

Once in a couple of years you recover something that you have held locked in your heart and somehow forgot. Till you one day stumble across that loved and dusty part that lights your day... It can happen to you and it happened to me this week.

In a spur of the moment I bought a CD of Beethoven and when the longing tones of 'Klaviersonate Nr. 14 - Adagio Sostenuto' started. It drove shivers down my spine and something warm began to glow in my belly, spreading across my body and leaving me breathless and deeply moved. The soft longing tones of the piano, whispering about passion, longing, sorrow, unrequited love, consolation, hope, being alive, despair...so sad, so real, so close and so immensely beautiful.

For days on end I have replayed this sonate time and time again. And every time I hear it, different pictures form in my head and depending on my mood, I feel new emotions come crashing in like waves into my welcoming arms and heart. I have found myself a gift to remember. A gift that can recharge me like no battery can and soothes my chaotic mind to a peaceful, smooth mirror. A mirror that shows me light, hope, freedom and washes away my despair, my sadness and my solitude.

Long time no see...

Mmm long time no see. Time seems to be running out of control lately, just one flutter of my lashes and ‘Poef’ another week has gone bye bye. So much to tell, where to start…

Idols in Vlaardingen
A hot night a few weeks ago, Jack and I were making a lot of noise and a neighbor came running out into the street. I thought something like; “Oh oh, now we’ve done it.” Couldn’t quite hear what he was saying so we had to tune down the stereo (blasting big time)…still couldn’t hear him, so he had to come upstairs.
I was a bit drunk, well it was warm, the wine was cool and hell it’s summer once a year, so…he was talking to me and I was looking how his lips were moving. Not comprehending one little syllable that came out of his mouth. Finally like domino pieces falling in slow-motion, the words clicked. He was asking if I wanted to help them out and go into the studio with him to record a song. Ehhhhh of course I wanted to help, why not, wasn’t sure I could hold key, but I’ve never been into a music studio before so…why not. I always wanted to sing before a filtered microphone and there it was. Sang only a few lines, but it was fun and the result surprised me. Maybe I will become famous, maybe I should enlist for Idols, or maybe I just have to drink less wine.

Spring is def. over
My hormones are definitely in check nowadays. No drooling after mister Boss, cause I met misses Boss and that takes all the fun out of my sex fantasy’s, makes work a whole lot easier though, especially since I am sitting right across his desk.

Shopping spree
Today I joint the ranks of shopping addicted women… a shoe shop around the corner had a major sale, a pair of shoes for only 1 Euro….Woopy! So I dived into the madness and conquered 11 pair for me myself and I. No rules applied…elbows allowed, it was crazy, I tell you… Wanted to go to work afterwards, but I just sat on the couch and felt totally dazed… rows and rows of women with boxes full of all kind of shoes pilling out of them, women fighting over a pair of boots, children running up and down. Just pure madness… Not doing that anytime soon, but I’ve got my loot spread out before me and I’m one happy lady.

What black men want...?!

On the way home, in a darn hot train, I was wondering about tonight. It was a strange night, pheromones flying all over the place, bodies (including mine) moving to the rhythm of South American music. I flirted a lot, saw an old friend of mine and so on and so on. I think I'm changing, something is happening, although I'm not quite sure what exactly. I don't mind flirting with and stealing someone's boyfriend anymore (who is that alien bearing my name?). I suddenly think black men are hot, I'm using my feminine qualities without shame or boundaries. What's up?

My kind of flirting is not really subtle... I just go straight for it, all twinkly eyes....big smile, white teeth. So my friend M. and I were dancing and enjoying ourselves big time. M. really can dance, I always get a big smile on my face just watching her move. So there we were, tropical heat, beach in the city, alcohol flowing powerful through our (actually mine) veins. When I noticed a big beautiful hunk of a man, who gave me a wink every-time I passed him. So finally I walked up to him, to ask him what was wrong with his eye, because it seemed to want to wink at me every-time it caught sight of me. Oef and then that big dark man began to talk, very cheeky, but I felt my knees buckle and I would have kissed him right there and then. The man was hot. But I promised my friend M. to take a strole and I was really sweating all over the place, so I promised him a dance and went outside. M. and I cooled of under a watermist thingy and just walked around a bit. But I really wanted to go back to hot guy, so we said goodbye and I went in again....and then it went totally wrong.

We danced but the boy didn't have any kind of humor what so ever. I can dance and shake my .... like any Atilian girl...but, eh, that's me myself and I. Trow in another (quite distracting) factor (also known as a man) and this girl is out. I just didn't seem to get the most simple steps and I just started laughing very loud. The irony of the whole situation wasn't missed my me, but the big dark man thought I was laughing at him and with every laugh his ego was further and more seriously crushed (I think). I tried to explain that I was making fun of myself, how stupid is it that a dark Atilian girl doesn't seem to get the Salsa or even Meringue, what kind of lousy black woman am I?! After only two dances he gave up.

Between those two dances he managed to tell me that I had to concentrate on him and not my friend whom I hadn't seen in about 5 years and who I unexpectly bumped into while going for the exit. Eh...sorry...controlefreak? Who's the boss? The conversation was slow, he seemed only interested in telling me things, I suspect him of telling to all the cute girls. He thought I was 22 and he is 35, he wanted to buy me a drink but when it took a looooong time he didn't want me to take a sip of his water...eh...what?! And all the while I watched his lips move and heard a tune in the back of my head slowly pumping up the volume. Think it was something like: "Shut up and sleep with me, come on why don't you sleep with me, Shut up...."
This of course didn't happen, because he got so annoyed with me when we danced a second time, that even a kiss was out of the question.

This is not the first time I seem to have this 'communication' problem with black guys, it makes me wonder....
What do black men want and more importantly...do I want to give it to them?!

Daydreaming Hazards

Someone up there,
is reading my blog and is not all to happy
about me making jokes at fate.

Because I met my biiiiig truck yesterday.
It was blue, scary and way too close.
I thought for a moment my heart would explode.
He stopped in time, I made evading moves in time...but pfffffff.
Not my idea of starting the morning...
So Hello up there, I heard you loud and clear,
learned my lesson, now let me ride my bike.

So much for fantasy

Mmmm so much for my subway fantasy,
I arrived with the subway and he on his bike?!
No cozy return to work after the meeting...
No touchy feely in the back.
Just him riding his bike far far away from me and Remy (me) sitting in a hot and sweaty subwayseat at the other side of town,
all by my lonesome ...sigh...
So much for that fantasy...eh...bike, bike, bike... have to think about that one.
For inspiration only, I will go to work by bike tomorrow...
If you see a dreamy eyed girl just before she is hit by a biiiig truck...
That will be/ was me.

North Sea Jazz Festival

Totally unexpected I went to the North Sea Jazz Festival yesterday with friends from Switzerland. It was my first time ever and I enjoyed every second of it. The ambiance was so different from festivals I've been to. The fun, the people, the sun, the music...wow. I stumbled over my nephew when I was swinging before the stage of Izaline Calister... And the girl could sing and play with the audience as well. We went out with a bang with Omar Sosa were the audience went wild and the musicians were playing and fooling around, teasing each other big time... Yesterday was soulfood which will last me a long long long time. So thanx my dear friends for giving me a ticket to Jazz heaven.

Dreaming the night away

Just woke up from a lovely dream...
Landscape and meadows flowing under my feet at the edge of town.
Finally kissing the one I am longing for in a shadowy barn, soft, sweet and promising.
Can still feel his lips on mine.
Don't think I will ever feel them in this world.
So I think I'll just close my eyes for just a little bit longer and dream on....

Midnight Strole

Couldn't sleep last night, so Jack and I went for a midnight strole. Grabbed my camera on the way out and finally took the night shots of the Botlek I wanted to take for such a long time...

Water and foam fight...

Wasn't all hell and damnation today....actually had quite a lot of fun as you can see for yourself...

Eternal rebound rebound girl

Don't know what went wrong in my former lifetime, but I seem to be destined to be the eternal rebound rebound girl.
The one who picks you up when you're down and out, your heart and ego crushed by your ex-girlfriend and what do you see? It's a bird, it's a plane, it's Bo to the rescue...

Only to be dumped from seven heavens high when both are healed and up and running. Leaving a silhouette kind of hole in the ground that should and used to be me. And there I go again...I dust myself of all particles and memories of you, lift my shin up high, look up and start climbing those stairs up to ground zero again...again... and again....

I'm getting quite tired of this roundabout, won't someone up there play a different tune, haven't I learned my lesson by now...do we have to leave the recorder on repeat?! When will someone be crazy about me for a change and not the promise of a new fresh start, the one who wipes the slate clean so you can marry and have children with someone else? Hello... is anybody out there... Hello I can't hear you...eeehhhhh what?!

Fluttering summer skirt

This morning my usual tomboy clothes were left hanging in the closet giving me sad and puppyeye looks... But no, I was persistent and I couldn't be persuaded by sad looks...summer skirt it was and summer skirt it stayed... Because it was sooooo hot. I wanted to feel the wind lift up my skirt and feel all woman, free and looking forward to perform my Marilyn Monroe pose...oeps.
It felt sweet to lift my skirt to go up and down stairs and feel the fabric flutter around my legs. I think I spoiled the effect a little by running barefoot up and down the hall of my office and sitting on the floor while archiving many many documents. I don't think I will ever be a lady Lady, but it felt good to be a woman today, think I'll give those womanly thingies more air out of the closet. Maybe I'll surprise myself and one day a lady will look back from the other side of the mirror...but I don't think so. I am just a bit too crazy/silly to sit up and be good allllll day, just want to play and well... it IS summer. Summer times are my favorite. So please up there, give me a summer to remember?!

Water ballet...

It's was darn hot today. And this week I have to water the plants on our terrace. It wouldn't be such a problem, if it weren't a terrace of about 30 meters long and plants the size of small trees, with big big pots to go with them. So while I was doing my job, I heard the children below playing and screaming and I just couldn't resist. I hosed them down with a big splash of water.
Before I knew it we were in a big waterfight, they were soaked to the bone and well, I'm no spoilsport so I handed them the hose and ran for dear life. It was fun and a good cooldown for a nice and sunny day. Looking forward to water the plants tomorrow.

Tree times Four or the other way around....?!

"Dreaming-Neko"
I'm new at this but, there are themes on Blogger and this is one of them. Neko put on his favorite do's and don'ts now it's my turn.....

four jobs I have had in my life:
- dogwalker
- secretary
- accountmanager
- receptionist
(sounds a bit boring doesn't it)

four movies I could watch over and over:
- Amelie
- Can't buy me love
- When Harry met Sally
- Life of Brian
(Mmm I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something)

four places I have lived:
- Vlaardingen, Netherlands
- Vlaardingen, Netherlands
- Rotterdam, Netherlands
- Vlaardingen, Netherlands
(not been around much, have I)

four TV shows I love/loved to watch:
- Charmed
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
- Fawlty Towers
- Desperate Housewives

four places I have been on vacation:
- Moscow, Russia
- Aruba
- Venice, Italy
- Barcelona, Spain

four websites I look at daily:
- my own
- gmail
- woophy
- flickr

four of my favorite foods
- anything pasta!
- Coca Cola (and no light stuff)
- Magnum, White chocolate and strawberry thingies inside (it's an obsession I tell you)
- Chocolate!!!

four jobs I would really stink at:
- Flight controller (anything responsible really)
- Taxidriver (I always get lost)
- analyst & Scientist (would def. blow up something one way or another)
- Beauty specialist (nightmare for the customers...once in a lifetime experience though)

four pretend monikers I’ll NEVER live up to:
- skinny and flat chested
- blond
- dull
- knock out
(sniff, sniff)

four movies I will NEVER watch again, ever:
- Nightmare on Elmstreet
- Titanic (brrrrrr, not really a romantic I'm afraid)
- Highlander
- ....

four places that I would NEVER live in:
- a dungeon
- toplevel of a skyscraper
- carton box
- birdcage

four things I HATE to do on my weekends:
- work
- be hung-over
- have to much to do and no time for 'day'dreaming
- answering phonecalls of any kind of callcenter telling me what I reallllyyyy should have to make my life complete...bleh

four liquor brands I’ve tried and enjoyed:
- Baily's
-...Red Wodka
- Good wine (does this count?)
- Just a gooooood cocktail really

four thing I CAN live without:
- flees anmosquito'sos (anything that stings or bites (except men of course))
- diets
- authority
- sleepless nights

four of my favorite cholesterol laden foods:
- Pancakes with melted cheese and syrup (sounds groase, but tastes like heaven...realllly)
- Ben and Jerry's Ice-cream....mjam
- Crispy potato chips
- Chocolate....chocolate and chocolate

four placeI i would rather be in right NOW:
- Oerol (festival I always go to, but not this year...moneyproblems...snif snif)
- on holiday (anywhere but here)
- in the arms of a handsome man, kissing the night away
- sleeping in a bed, that doesn't break my back

That's quite a list... mmmm should I publish this on the www? Oh what the hell, here it goes.

Smelling the roses

I thought I saw.... no way....

Mmmm I must be having severe detox side-effects of it being weekend and I'm not working. For I swear I saw my boss strolling around in my street today. I was hanging over the banisters of my balcony, as usual spying on the passersby. When I thought I recognized his gait, but I could only see the top of his head so I wasn't sure. Told my friend Jack with whom I was having breakfast (at 1 pm) and she shouted his name at the top of her lungs, making me dive for the ground, because if it was him, I didn't want him to see me. I almost couldn't stop laughing and grinning at this action that could only come from Jack. Silly woman. He turned around, but if it was to see who was that mad woman shouting or who the hell was calling him by name. I will never know because I was too busy trying to smother my giggles and rolling on the floor.

Treehouse Fantasy...

You make me feel like...I don't know...

Kissing Doves

Saw the weirdest thing today....
While waiting for the bridge to come down and the ships to pass, I was enjoying the view, watching people, watching the scenery and watching...doves. They were circling around each-other like teenagers in love, giving each-other goo-goo eyes, brushing chest against chest (still nothing unusual). And then it happened: the female and smaller bird began to put her beak in the males throat and I mean...really deeeeepthroat. So I thought well she is his youngster and I let my eyes wonder again. But they kept going at it, and she didn't look like a baby-bird to me. And they sure seemed to be enjoying themselves, closing their eyes and stuff. Brushing against each-other... And then it clicked...they were kissing, french kissing. These doves were actually french kissing! That was a very weird discovery. They did this for a couple of minutes, went to fourth base and flew away in the opposite direction of each-other...
Mmmm sounds familiar...

Rusty Memory

Mmmm I thought I saw a pussycat (mister O), but I'm not sure....
Oh that darn memory of mine is pure rust I tell you.
Well I was busy (training the Doberman of a friend of mine).
When I concentrate on one thing all else disappears, so not my best state of mind to recognize someone.
And this particular dog is a handful, sweet and beautiful as she is.
I said 'Hi' but he was sitting with a woman and I don't know if he has a girlfriend, wife etc... so I just walked by.
But the question remains, was it him?!
At this rate I'm never gonna get hooked up, am I.
Time to bring out the oil to smooth things over in that disaster that is my brain...

Siren

Found this poem on the net, it's so magical... I wanna remember

On the floating, shapeless oceans
I did all my best to smile
till your singing eyes and fingers
drew me loving into your eyes.

And you sang "Sail to me, sail to me;
Let me enfold you."

Here I am, here I am waiting to hold you.
Did I dream you dreamed about me?
Were you here when I was full sail?

Now my foolish boat is leaning, broken love lost on your rocks.
For you sang, "Touch me not, touch me not, come back tomorrow."
Oh my heart, oh my heart shies from the sorrow.
I'm as puzzled as a newborn child.
I'm as riddled as the tide.
Should I stand amid the breakers?
Or shall I ly with death my bride?

Hear me sing: "Swim to me, swim to me, let me enfold you."
"Here I am. Here I am, waiting to hold you."
("Song to the Siren", This Mortal Coil)

Stage-fright

Well I've done it again, lazy ass (....) who bares my name. Tomorrow I will have to perform with my singing group and the songs just keep slipping out of my mind instead of into....grrrrrr. Of course I could have practiced all week, but no, I had to wait to the utmost last possible time to do that. Will I ever learn?! Normally I'm a bit of a deadline person, crisp of body and mind, surfing on adrenaline and fairing well by it. But not tonight, leaving me quite anxious about tomorrow... Well I can always fall back on bluffing (read: playbacking) my way through the whole ordeal. But somehow I have the feeling that's not gonna work this time. Oh deary me, got stagefright all right... OK panic attack.... AAAAaarGGHhhhhh. Eh anybody have a time-machine of sorts?

Sweet Smiling Melancholy

Just a bit sad and sleepy today. Yesterday the birds fell of the roofs from the blazing heat and today the sky cried bitter tears over and over again. I just slept on my sofa, listening to the sound of water pounding on my window. Still it couldn't totally wash away the smiling memory of sun on my skin and wind through my hair, sweat poring out of every pore, cold water teasing and cooling my feet and blue oh so blue skies above me. Ah melancholy, bitter sweet melancholy...

Girls walking on water

Who needs money...

Who needs money if there are sites like these to behold just around the corner... This is not a picture I would normally take, but I just couldn't resist this burst of color that had an exciting tingly feel to it. And yes...it's that time of year again...I'm totally broke, so all the things I had planned this weekend came to a dead start... but with my cam in hand the world seems brighter with every step I take.

Finding my way through creepy places...

Trip through a underground parkinglot under / next to Arnhem Central Station (train station)

Let there be light

Tried to go to work today, made it, but before 12, I was heading home again...so tired and so nauseated. Went to the doctor, guess what he told me, guess what he told me...try to have fun no matter what you do (just kidding). The ... fellow send me to the hospital to let my blood examined. I reeeeaaallly hate needles. So just to cheer me up and to forget that stupid man that never seems to take me seriously, I took some photo's about light, color, hope and ...

Really love my Marakesh Lamp, the things you can get out of just one object is amazing....

My sweetest things

"To Touch a Unicorn"
"Dreaming-Neko"
Sandy said the following:"It’s a great thing to be able to count your blessings, even the simplest ones. instructions: name ten (10) of life’s simple pleasures that you like the most." So here I go...just don't know how to tag anybody..ehhh.

1. Playing tag with my cat
2. Singing in the shower (and annoying the neighbours)
3. Running and feeling like I could go on for miles and miles and miles
4. Getting my teeth in some hunky man
5. Seeing a perfect picture and having my camera in my hand
6. Talking with an (old) friend for hours
7. Doing absolutely nothing while knowing that there is lots to do
8. (Day)dreaming
9. Watching people
10. Getting lost

And just one more for myself..
11. Not feeling so darn sick...

Under the weather

Feeling sick today. When will anybody pick up the phone so I can go back to bed and feel sorry for myself....bleh.

A thing of beauty

It's been a while since my body and my mind agreed on a possible lover. Leaving us 'both' unsatisfied and frustrated. So I fall back on one of my favorite pastimes... daydreaming. And when I do, one of the first images that springs to my minds eye is an old boyfriend of mine... Nothing more attractive then a man in action. In his case...running.

He is a big fellow and it is magnificent to watch him run. That large body in total balance, seemingly effortless, striding away the miles. Totally concentrated with eyes fixed on the horizon, a trickle of a smile on his luscious lips for feeling and savoring the power of his own limps, totally alive. Shutting out the world and letting it all in at the same time. Just remembering those images mixes with my own memories of running and feeling happy, exhilarated and peaceful at the same time. Oh how I miss running. For now just memories of supple muscles moving under glistening wet skin... Pffff mind and body, what about a truce?!

Let it rain down

So much for my usual trip with my beloved camera... Rain, rain and rain again...poring down like it's in a hurry. So there I stood with my camera in hand, getting detoxed the hard way. But there is no stopping the most determined addict. Pictures everywhere in this Wet Wonderworld. I began snapping some shots from behind my window and was surprised by the worlds I caught on camera...colors, graphics. Reminds me that there is always beauty and fun to be found in a setback. You just have to refocus your view on the world and from out of nowhere a new world appears and sits right in front of your face. Looking at you like...'Well that took you long enough, what kept you?!'

To drink or not to drink

To drink or not to drink, that seems to be the question. It's scary the way I can hold my liquor these days. Totally unexpected my friend M. came by yesterday and we went out and had a ball. She's still sleeping and I'm already wide awake...sigh. But it was fun, met a really funny and nice guy, flirted a lot....am practicing (and it's working) and laughed a lot. Even danced in the bar and no...not on the bar. And to my surprise a 23 year old guy was giving me the eye (hello P.), that was kind of strange, but hee I'm not complaining. The only part I didn't get, was saying goodbye to the older (funny, nice, me really like you) man... I had a good time, I flirted a lot, he flirted a lot and then...eh....what happened. Well my most trusted self, my tough, 'are you talking to me' self rushed around the corner and messed things up. Just because I seem to be a scardy pants at heart. Well dear older guy, I guess you should have gone dancing with us when we asked you. My ego can't stand rejection all too well because then the 'you know who' self steps in and takes over. But I know where your bar lives, guess I'll be stopping by more often. Yes, yes...to drink or not to drink...that's the question. Well it's almost summer, so let's play.

Stop throwing rocks at my sky

Drinking at Jackies

I've found me a new place to hang out, drink, chat with friends and dance all night. Welcome to Jackies. Yesterday it was getting late again, chatting away in, what a friend called, a bad episode of Sex in the City. Tonight Jackies is closed for business, because Jack's in Amsterdam. Hope she's having a good time. I know I did yesterday. Handy a bar/discotheque only two doors away.

Are you gonna think of me...7 Heavens High

Just a sentence that I wrote in a song a long time ago. It's wandering through my mind tonight. Strange how a few words can mean so little or so much, if you just keep them blurry enough. So are you gonna think of me...7 Heavens High?

A quick summary

Although it feels like old news, I still want to share my adventures and daydreams of the last few weeks. But I'll keep it short.

Blown away by hay-fever blues
The last few weeks I haven't been around much... I definitely have the hay-fever blues. The world bloomed in all colors, shapes and sizes. But although I really loved that sparkle and color, my body rejected it with all it's might. Leaving me breathless and tired and not in a good way. So it has been work, sleep, work, sleep for me, till the beautiful weather finally changed...and I was blown away...literally. Stormy weather raced through the skies and the streets of Holland, not just one afternoon, but days on end. I kinda like storm, because the rushing wind seems to boost my energy-reserves like nothing else. But sometimes it just got plain silly. Sitting behind my desk I heard the wind shrieking and howling like crazy. It almost sounded like a crazed animal but underneath that symphony of angry shrieks sounded the soft whispers of rustling leaves and swirling flower-paddles. Combine this with concrete tiles falling down buildings 100 meter high and you have Complete Chaos....love it.


Unexpected encounter
A week ago I met a intriguing old man while sitting in the sun near the harbor enjoying my lunch-break with my boss. It was such a unexpected and beautiful encounter that it immediately made me think of the book 'The Celestine Prophecy' by James Redfield. In this book it is said that there are no chance encounters, everyone has a purpose in your journey through life. Some people take energy and some don't. And this old man was definitely the latter kind. Although he walked barefoot and his clothes suggested he might be homeless. I never met a man who seemed to be the embodiment of a gentleman more then him. Never overstepping my boundaries, always asking with his eyes and body if he could touch or suggest. But now I am running ahead of myself.

So here I was, sitting beside the water of the Veerharbor, watching old ships and chitchatting with my boss, when suddenly I felt a red hot flash of pain in my longs. This happens to me a lot, no big deal but it not fun. So while buckling over with pain, a deep man's voice asks me if I'm alright. I look up and see a beautiful weathered old African face. The conversation started a bit strange and for a while I didn't quite knew what to think, but I was intrigued and curious, so I just let the conversation flow.

And before I knew it I was getting Taitji lessons from this barefoot man, who moved effortlessly and smooth like his name. He taught me how to move so my hip injury doesn't bother me so much and it worked. Totally oblivious to our surroundings we interacted while yups strolled by those two dark barefoot figures balancing and 'dancing' in the sun. All this under the watchful eyes of my skeptical boss, who didn't quite knew what to think of the whole affair. For payment all he wanted was for me to pray for his welfare and so I did. Not the usual way, but I asked my mother and granny to keep an eye on him. By posting this story I hope you wish him well too. His name is ManDi and I hope we'll meet again...

Note to Self

Never underestimate the power of lust. You can call it 'love', 'in love'... whatever sounds right to you. But me (your inner voice) is telling you straight on: "It's L.U.S.T. (Liquid Utterly Seductive Torture).....pure and simple." Anything else would be a danger to your safe little world. So keep it simple and dream on. Think things like "Get out of my dreams and into my bed." Just keep that silly heart of yours in check.

Note to self: You're not in love, it's just a bad case of hay-fever
Note to self: Don't blindly follow inner voice's advice
Note to self: Don't listen to your heart(aches)
Note to all selfs: Just be complete and utterly deaf.

"Ehhh excuse me, what did you say??"

New addiction...Woophy

Since a couple of weeks I am putting my photo's on an international site for amateur photographers all around the world. And this morning I found out I have a silver camera.... Totally surprised. So on Woophy I belong to the top 50 of the world ....eeeeehhhh... WOW. This just made my day, week....month even. WOW or better WOOPHY!

Freudian Slip

Recognize the feeling that you're not in controle? That your body and mind are just taking a run with you when you least expect and want it to happen? Leading to embarrassing, highly flushed cheek moments? Well I had one today at the office. The proverbial slip of the tongue or better known as the Freudian slip.

I wanted to say organism and instead orgasm slipped out...fast, liquid and irrevocable. Hoping this fast bugger slipped the ears of my boss with the speed of sound...I looked up and "Damn." The message was received loud and clear. Oeps.
What did those twinkling eyes think about? They scared the hell out of silly little me.

My hormones were instantly freed from their imposed exile...back alive and kicking. So once again I walked home with that insanely wide grin on my face, talking and giggling to myself. I think I will have to hurry to the white jacketstore before they run out of my size (big and stupid). Because if I would see someone acting the way I do, I would think that person is totally mental. Well maybe I am...but I like the feeling anyway.

A hard days work

Murphy and Me

Murphy's Law seems to want to keep me compagny these days. I expect that things will go wrong one way or another, the moment I open my eyes. You may think this is kind of dark and depri. But when we meet it's more like seeing an old friend. Missing the train, loosing my passport, picking my nose just when the guy I like steps into the room etc...mostly annoying and embarrassing, but Murphy isn't all that bad. Because of her I see places I never would have otherwise, I get to meet interesting people and make new friend. And as a bonus, she keeps my ego in check. Because of her I am able to laugh about myself and my foolish actions (daily). "So Murphy drop by anytime you feel like, but make sure to bring your friend Chance with you (to keep things in balance).

All in a days work

Got to say that I am proud of myself today, allthough the sun is shining happily today. I've done my share of (home)work and even painted the house of my aunty for two hours of so. Disipline, disipline, didn't know I had it in me.

Paint me Black

Summer kisses

Bench after bench
entangled in Rodin’s kiss.
Lovers bending close
murmuring words for the world to miss.

I walk in this twilight of summer dreams
and step in, out, in, out,
not knowing what side I long to be.

Rays of sun seem to magnify
innocent summer love.
Appearing everywhere I turn my head...

To see that those tender lips, are not mine to kiss.
That sweet embrace, someone else’s bliss.
Standing in the shadow of their sun
I put on my RayBan’s
and the magic is gone.

Fingers crossed

Last Thursday I entered a 3d Design Price, today I checked if everything got there in time and voila...I'm in the running. On the 2th of June the winner will be announced, so fingers crossed till then. I entered my gratuation project 'Tree for One_Treehotel', it has already won me an other design price, so if I'm lucky.....

Natures washing machine

I've just been cleaned in natures washing machine. At about 90 degrees my body has been purified thoroughly, only by walking in a steady pace surrounded by nature and chatting people. For the first time in a year or so I dared to take the chance. My hip still hurts like hell, but I can walk in een decent pace for more then an hour. I hope that one day I will be able to run again, but for now being active enough to sweat is pure bliss. Helps you put things in perspective, like frusty lovesick thoughts, "Trash can you're welcome."

It hurts to be in love

Yesterday I was still optimistic about love, today my love compass turned 180 degrees and I was shown the darkside.
A good friend of mine is hurting so. Her ex and herself love each other still but those two can't seem to do nothing but hurting each other.

I found out today I will probably always be a tomboy. A girl that all the guys like to hang out with, laugh with, but who they will never see as a potential soul mate / partner. It's a BIT frustrating and it makes me sad. I'm fun, I'm sweet, intelligent, little crazy... I really don't know what's not to like except a few points (not to mention on the www)... So why the h.... is it so difficult to find someone who will like all of me. I'm lost....

WANTED...roadmap to love, partner and bliss, prize negotiable

Caught in the act

Wedding Bells

I never thought I would be the one to shed a tear or two on a wedding, but when my friend Nicole got married friday, it took a lot of effort not to. She looked so beautiful and happy and it is amazingly beautiful to see two people so in love. Especially because the road to that moment in time hasn't been all that easy. But they conquered all and they love each-other knowing each-other through and through. No unrealistic love-story love where all the characters are perfect and life is only pure bliss. But the real thing, knowing each-others flaws, problems and hardships getting each-other through obstacles, working like a well oiled team and still loving each-other madly.

Those two mended my cynic little heart a little, the possibility that there are still men walking around who just get it, is a relieving feeling...thanx Len. Now I only have to find me one of my own.

I am honored that I was one of the four witnesses of their wedding. And when I stood next to them in church I felt humbled, because only then did I realize what I must mean to her and it took me by surprise. I am touched deeply by that thought...thanx Nic...love you.

The whole day was amazing starting at 6 am and ending at 3 am. For the first time in my life I witnessed a marriage in full. From the hairdressers where I drove everyone wild with taking pictures of almost everything, to taking pictures, saying yes in townhouse and chapel, dinner, reception and party. Roel and I took pictures of the incoming guests at the reception and party and after a while we went crazy. It was fun, but also a bit tiring. The most scary moment was when I sang a serenade to Nic and Len (and about 150 other people). It scared the .... out of me, my knees were actually slamming into each-other. But it was worth it, when I saw the look on their faces. I think I gave them a present to remember. Thanx Aretha and Natural Woman.

These couple of days left a warm glowing feeling in my tummy and I enjoyed every minute of it. Still hear the wedding bells ringing softly in my ears and seeing the adoration in Len's eyes when he saw Nic for the first time in her beautiful wedding-dress. I hope that one day a man will look at me that way. I don't have to get married, just want to find the guy who knows me through and through and still loves me for all I am.... to find my other half and be complete if only for a short while. Glad I can still dream and my cynic heart has melted enough to let that thought in...who ever is next, I beg of you... don't ruin that feeling for me.

The Slippery Slipper(s)

Today my world went topsy turvy. Like always I waited till the very last possible moment to do things I should have done ages ago. In this case finishing my presentation for a design contest. It is due monday, but because I have a wedding tomorrow, it was now or never. It was to be expected that Murphy's Law would kick in as soon as the time pressure started to rise. It wouldn't have been such a big deal if I had had my wedding things, presents, speeches etc. in order, but that wasn't the case. Note to self never apply for a job as a wedding-planner.

So the whole morning I practiced being a tornado. Running left, right and doing 10 things at the same time and left my home in a total mess. But I had made it, my presentation was on it's way to Arnhem, my presents nicely paper-rapt with ribbons and all, my clothes & camera packed...I was ready to go. Or so I thought... On my way to the train station a brain-wave crackled and I was horrified. The one thing that I should not forget stood firmly in the hallway back home, perfect white slippery slippers with shoe-stretchers and all... Oeps. No time to go back... Fortunately I packed two outfits (know myself a little), so fate has chosen...gipsy skirt it is.

Slippery slippers aren't handy at weddings anyway. Who knows what I could fall into (big wedding-cake....brrrrrr)?!

Zoom in, out and around the world

Yesterday I finally managed to get Google Earth on my Mac...WOW.... I always wanted to travel, but somehow I never got around to do it. So Google Earth is a revelation for me, the first thing I looked for was New York (they put it up in 3D!) and then I tried Georgetown, Gyuana (wanted to see where you live GG). But every great system has a flaw and in this case a BIIIIGG cloud covering almost all of Gyuana, my bad luck. I don't know what Georgetown looks like, but now I do know where the Greek island Ios is located. A good friend of mine always goes there for the holidays and now I have a spot on the map to prick her stories on. The most scary and wondrous thing was, that I saw my own rooftop....the whole world can look down on my house, if only they would now where to look, strange notion. Big Brother is watching...that's for sure.

The other funny thing, now that I'm talking 'global', I found out that my Internet alias Zoomfreaky only belongs to me, myself and I. On the entire world wide web, there is no Zoomfreaky to be found, except for myself. That's quite unique, don't you think.

Playing Tag

I've got one strange pussycat on my hands. A cat who likes to play tag and hide and seek...eh OK identity crisis?! Just been running up and down my terrace (about 50 m long) hiding behind plants and such, with a cat on my tail... And to make this night even stranger our chase had it's own theme-song played by a practicing brass band nearby. I felt a bit like Charly Chaplin and expected to hear someone shout "You're on candid camera." Of course no one came and witnessed our strange interlude, real life is so much more bizarre than anyone can think of.

Oh so quite...

Today Sunshine said hello and during our lunch-break, my colleagues and I walked to the Erasmusbridge and sat and ate in it's wake. While overlooking the calm water, wind in my hair, sun in my face, surrounding sounds slowly melted away and became distant and obscure. Ever present voices in my head silenced for those precious moments...oh so quite. Just enjoying the very basics of being; breathing, the feeling of wind and sun on my skin, smelling the salty air, oblivion to things like time, tomorrow, things to do. Just me and my little place on earth next to my favorite bridge over 'troubled' water.

Summernights...

Tonight the night feels like summer, fragrant, soft and promising.....
Am a bit drunk, not healthy to have chatty neighbor's only a door or 2 away. Laughed a lot, drank a lot....and "Oh dear, have to go to work EARLY IN THE MORNING" What shall we do with the drunken sailgirl...WHAT SHALL we do with the drunken sailgirl etc. etc. Sweet bed...here I come.....

Where is my head?!

Where is my head, did it leave for the Bahamas, Bonaire or the Bermuda Triangle? Well if so, "Please Head...switch places with my hormonal rebellious limps, will you. Can't get any work done with all those lusty hormones frolicking around all day." Quite frustrating and irritating as well, because I'm coming down with something. Unfortunately it isn't the flue and aspirins aren't the cure. Bugger... can anybody tell me where the h... the offswitch is located, think I will call my personal electrician...soon! In the mean while I will try to track down my obstinate little head, lying on the beach while the rest of us is trying to work...pffff. Some parts just don't get it, do they.

Speechless

I think I'm coming down with something. Yesterday my hoarse voice could still be called sexy, today it's more like the squeaking of a bird on fire. That I got drunk with friends and danced all yesterday-night, doesn't really help. But this girl just wants to have fun. Don't think I'm gonna seduce any male with this tone of voice anytime soon. Or should I look at all yummy boys and men like I'm speechless with admiration of every word they say? Neh... Think I'm gonna draw down the curtains, roll over and play dead on my couch, watch some soaps and feel sorry for myself.

I CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE RIGHT NOW...SO LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE BEEP............BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

How many flowers a bouquet makes

Thursday it was secretaryday in the Netherlands. I forgot all about it, but when I turned on the radio that morning it was the topic of the day. Bosses are supposed to appreciate their female workers more on that day. I think it's kind of stupid. The same as Animalday....you've got to be good to someone all year, not just one day. Anyhow... my boss forgot it all together. So I could tease him all day...was quite a lot of fun. Especially when my employment agency came around with a big bouquet of flowers, then the teasing really started. Especially because he always says he always remembers this kind of stuff. Finally I took mercy on the poor guy and told him I'd rather have a nice 'thank you' once in a while then a big bunch of flowers. So he started to say 'thank you' very sincerely during the rest of the day... And I was counting them...one, two...seven. So when we were about to leave for home, I asked him; how many flowers does a bouquet make? He looked kind of puzzled, then smiled and said about 20 flowers. So I told him to hurry up, because I only had about 7 flowers of 'Thank you's'. But he's working on it. Yesterday he treated my colleagues and I on a glass of good wine during our lunchbreak... Sitting in the sun with a glass of wine in my hand and looking over the harbor of Rotterdam, I thought I had more flowers I could handle... My home is now a flowerbed in all colors and sizes...and they will last much longer then a week or two.

Busted...

So much for principles.... Walked through a red light in plain sight of a lot of coppers. Stupid, especially when I saw them from a mile away. But I'm not a hypocrite...if I do it when they're not around, I'll do it right under their noses. Just my luck that one took a big sniff, sniffed me out and gave me a fine..Busted!

Something about cops that really gets on my bad side. Whenever I see them I want to provoke them. Worked about a year with them in Rotterdam and that wasn't to good for my appreciation of the lot in general. My former boss said I have a problem with authority...think she is right...really don't like uniforms on people who 'think' they can tell me what to do... It's like waving a red flag at an enraged bull, I just shift into overdrive. Only this time my overdrive in principles is going to cost me.... so I'll say it again.... "So much for principles."

Oh deary me...the seduction of the necklace

Something about a fragile necklace on a muscular neck strikes a cord both hot and tender. Confusing me what it is I'm feeling the moment I look to see his shoulder flow into the base of his neck, a beautiful curve of muscles.. Oh deary me, oh deary me... I am one confused little wench...am I. To get turned on by a necklace on a man who shouldn't be on my mind...Oh deary me, oh deary me.... oh what the hell....I'm happy.

Oh so sleepy

Today nothing seems to come outof my hands. The sun is shining, clear blue skies above. And all I want to do is daydream and linger in this sunny paradise that is my home. So many things to do...but still...it's been so long since I saw so much blue and felt so many sunrays touching my skin. Think I will just be as lazy as possible today, tomorrow is still so far away.

Bad ass Pussycat

Glad I'm not a birdy