Till We Meet Again...

Memory Rebirth

My memory has never been my strongest asset. And I never really minded, till I lost my mother and with each passing day my memories of her began to fade as well. It is like losing her all over again and somehow that hurts even more then the first time. I have decided long ago, that to reclaim those lost memories and gather new, I will ask everybody who has held her in their hearts to share a few memories with me. It’s time to start that journey, I’m a bit frightened to take the first step. I don’t know where this path will lead me. But it’s time and I’m on my way.

Here are some questions I would like to ask the people I will be interviewing...

• How did you meet my mother?
• Has she made a difference in your life?
• What is your fondest or most special moment with her? It can be sad, funny or deeply felt.
• What did you like about her the most?
• What was she like as a person? (kid, woman, wife, friend and mother)
• What has she meant to you in life and what has her death meant to you personally?
• How was she before and after she had me? Did she change? Can you tell me something about the period she was pregnant with me?
• How did she cope with the death of my big brother?
• What can you tell me about her marriage with my father and the period after their divorce?
• If there is one decision you think she should have done differently, what would that be?
• Can you tell me an anecdote of my mother I don’t know? About her childhood, her relationship with her family, boyfriends, school, work, holiday, life philosophy, me etc.
• What was her opinion of herself and how did you see her?
• How did you experience the last days of my mother and what is your last memory of her?
• What do you miss about her most?
• If you could talk to her now, what would you like to say to her?

With these questions I hope to recover and create memories of my mother, the way she stood in life and love and how she was as a child. I also hope to fill in some large blindspots that we never got round to. I hope to breath life into the memory of this beautiful and loving woman, who was special to so many people. But mostly I hope to feel her stepping beside me on my road in life once again...and this time to stay.

How to go to work and fail....

I was all fired up yesterday about starting fresh this morning...arriving very early at my job (am always late) and go at it like a fire-starter (so much to do). I should know by now, that’s not how it works. And when ever I get a thought like that, my inner alarms should go off like there’s no tomorrow. But of course...THAT...didn’t happen.
Put my buzzer at 6 o’clock, planning a little morning yoga, getting a good breakfast (porridge), enjoying a longgggg shower. But of course....THAT...didn’t happen either. I went to bed so early yesterday night, had a freak nightmare that stood all my hairs on end at 3 o’clock in the morning. Wondered through the house for an hour and then fell asleep to never wake up in time, slamming my buzzer to oblivion and well didn’t get a good start. But well why stop there? Why not make it a ‘little’ bit worse...hey why not? (How do I hate that Murphy).

Got on the train just in time...and that got a grin on my face...for I could sit for once. Arrived at Schiedam to stumble and almost getting thrown off by the immense crowd gathering and blocking my way to my favorite spot on the platform. Again...alarm-bells should have been whaling, jumping up and down and screaming bloody murder... But of course....THAT....will NEVER happen. So I sat down, froze by butt off, chatted to an acquaintance and got colder and colder and...well...colder and still no train in sight. Then a voice, booming like God descended on earth himself, said in a casual way “Due to an unexpected delay in maintenance we are sad to report that all trains to The Hague, Leiden and Amsterdam will not be driving today. Substitute trains will be put in, but when and where they will arrive at this station is not known. Please stay tuned and listen to the announcer for more information.” What the f... I’m cold, the platform looks like a beehive in a frenzy, how am I ever gonna get on a train, let alone work?

Well I don’t of course. For 2 trains 1/3 of their usual size arrived within an hour, arriving totally crammed up with people. You could see the people inside being pressed against the glass and the doors and I’m suppose to get in there? Hell no. But as a good employee trying to get to work, I did try. I really did, to the point that I tried to highjack the back of the train where the driver sits when the train is going the other way. Some people managed to get in, but well...I got kicked out. And I was so bloody cold, I was ready to cry or start shouting to no-one or anything in particular, a pole would do... Arrrrggggghhhhh. So I took a deep breath, thought things through and called my boss to tell him I was not going to make it today. I would switch my usual day off for today and I’m gonna ly in bed and try to get warm...which eventually happened after...4 hours or so...brrrrrrrrr.

I’m ok now, but what a way to start my week. Now what’s the lesson to be learned from this? Forget good intentions, you either just do it, or you forget about it totally. For if you don’t, Murphy will surely be making a house-call and then you’ll be sorry...:)

PS: If I'm really honest and I mean reaaaallllyyy honest, I wasn't feeling up to working today. Had a bit of a confusing, exiting and strange weekend. So on retrospect....that Murphy isn't so bad at all, maybe I should give him a ring and thank him. Mmm maybe I'll just do that. 

Floating on Passion Road

Been a bit restless tonight, so went snooping in my computer and stumbled unto the 'music'files I used for my artproject last summer. Never got around to placing them on the net. Won't show you the samples of the interviews we took, but just the few files my friends and I taped. They are samples of my favorit poems and the unforgetable song "Ne me quitte pas". 

This is in words where I was going for with this project...

"Close your eyes, breath in deeply, 

hear how the wind softly wispers in the trees 

and feel how your toes are just touching 

the water underneath your feet. 

You're at a lake, so silent and still, 

you can see your whole world reflected upside down. 

It's quiet but then you hear a sweet voice just out of reach. 

It's like listening to people talking while you are floating in water, 

your ears just beneath the surface. 

The sound grows, you can almost hear...

It fades away and comes nearer to you still. 

Words are dancing over the water in waves of soft murmers 

caressing and teasing you. 

Telling you about loves lost, unending sadness, 

playful joy, childlike wonder and radiant happiness.

Your eyes are still closed, 

a soft radiance is starting to come through, 

it's warm and pleasant and fills your heart with joy. 

The light begins to dance and play with the voices, 

playing hide and seek...

slowly the light increases and so do the murmers. 

You feel a joy building up inside you, ready to explode...

you're dancing, dancing with the light, floating on the water, 

touched by the voices that surround you... 

Bliss.... 

and then it's gone... 

The silence drums in your ears, 

it's your turn to break the silence,

tell the world your hidden dreams,

 your most precious thoughts.

 

The next day when you walk along the lake, 

you'll hear your heart beating,

drumming your dreams, your joys, 

whispering your broken heart. 

But you're not alone, 

more souls join in.

 What was once painfull joy

 blends into a song....

a celibration of life, 

a celibration of you....

breathhhhhe."

Industrial Midwinter's Dream

Had a surprising day today. Beyond expectation I managed to slip away from my job, travel to an industrial harbor area in Rotterdam, battle wind, storm and hail and stood in a photostudio, meeting mister D. for the first time and holding very expensive camera's in my hand...pure bliss. Was very nice meeting mister D., was just too short a time. Was quite nervous to be honest. Had no idea where I was going or what and who I was going to find when I arrived. So I blasted my brains out with Yogamantra's on my iPod. It made for a very strange movielike experience... Traveling through Rotterdam, seeing the strangest things, getting out at the last busstop to go to the last building on a endless street, being hammered by hail and walking through all kinds of industrial stuff. And all the while the ecstatic and soothing sounds of Yoga and Peru like sounds filled my heart and ears. The contrast was so big and strange it was really rediculous. And made me grin most of the time, which people seemed to find quite strange...:)

On my way back to the bus stop, I shot some photo's I really like. They are a bit cruchy, but I like the feel of them. No idea what it is...but I like them anyway...:) 

Mister D. had a blast, hope to meet you soon.

Ancient Tree

There is an ancient tree in Vlaardingen. It's a very special tree for you can walk straight through it. It's a couple of centuries old and it feels safe and peaceful to stand inside this big fellow and just look around. It's amazing what you can see, standing inside a tree...:)

Through The Viewfinder

I have found a new hobby...TTV (Through The Viewfinder). Got to love it, only I do it in PS, but if you don't tell, I won't either...:)

A new series in the making. 2x Lensbaby and 1x old 50mm lens.