Saying Goodbye...

Sometimes life doesn't go as planned, love and dreams are lost ...so I just wait again till dawn and hope that tomorrow will bring me new insights, more power to be myself and just let go of old hurts and new ones dawning. Saying goodbye to old me, people who keep hurting me over and over again. I've decided to give myself what I so desperately long for from others...am letting go...and waiting...

Fingers Crossed

I'm shooting photo's for an architecture brochure. They want me to do it in my own style, so that's scary and exciting at the same time. For 'my' style isn't a consistent thing, it's amorph, slippery and stubborn as hell. But in spite of the freezing cold weather yesterday, the fact that I was very cranky (you would be too with feet as popsicles), it all didn't seem to influence my photography one bit. Luckily for me...I came back with some good shots. It was such lovely weather, blue skies, warm, hard light (and the Antarctic cold...well lets forget all about that shall we?). I biked for hours for I don't know The Hague that well. When I couldn't find a spot of graffiti I had searched the net for, I called an old friend and he guided me towards it. Am very grateful for that one, had almost given up after searching for more then an hour. So thanx to him it ended up being a good day.
I have to go back one more time I think. To photograph the traditional plunge in sea by thousands and thousands of crazy Dutch people at New Years day and some picts of the pier and such. Am looking forward to the dive...have been wanting to put that on film/chip for a long time, but hangovers can be such a bother...:) So this year no party for me, just going to bed early and enjoying the ecstatic faces of mad people storming me by and running, jumping and screaming towards that bitter cold sea....brrrrr.

But before I do that, I somehow have to clean my sensor, for it seems I have had a duststorm in my little baby...:( Bummer.

Christmas Morning

This year it was a happy Christmas...full of laughter, good food and warm compagnionship. This morning I enjoyed my brunch with my personal Brady Bunch...children running around, an abundance of foodies, fun and just being happy. I was the personal family photographer, my brother managed to wrench my cam out of my hands and take some photo's himself...of me of course...grrr. Yesterday was fun too, got a bit drunk in the proces...listing to a 100 year old playbox...playing old songs my uncle could sing to. All and all I had a ball and hope next year will be better still.

Tossing and Turning

Wild Horses..couldn't drag me away

I've been playing with my cam again, twirling around in the park, making my head spin and people looking at me like I've lost it.
But had so much fun. It always feels good to know we are still such good friends and he can still surprise me with something totally unexpected and exiting...I love surprises...:) Happy holidays...

Wedding Bells and Ribbon Fantasies

My dear friend E. is getting married next august. I remember us meeting when we were barely 16 years old, how time flies. And still after all these years, being with her feels like coming home, I am always so welcome in that big heart of hers.

My heart swelled with emotion and pride to see her so beautifully dressed today, eyes sparkling and being serious at the same time. Taking her time to get what she wants, thinking things through, feeling her own femininity like no-one I know. I can’t help smiling when I see her like that...pure womanly power, smart as a whip.

The time flew by and before we knew it, we were on the train leaving Amsterdam with an increasing speed. Sharing an iPod together listening to music and dreaming away on the sorrowful words of Adele with ‘To make you feel my love’, being touched to the core by Jeff Buckley’s ‘Hallelujah’, feeling the deep voice of Johnny Cash vibrating and plucking at heartstrings.

A day spend in good company, good food and deep soulful conversation, who wouldn’t want to do that. I even fulfilled a longtime wish...I finally got into a corset and loved it. The feel, the look, the way it changed how I look at myself in the mirror, embracing my femininity. I think I’m gonna give myself a real beautiful present soon...:)

Thanx E. for this wonderful day, for sharing it with me and just being your loveble self...

Wintertime In My Hometown...

I've been strolling and eating and photographing the whole day with my friend Miss D. We haven't seen eachother for over 6 months and it felt so good to speak to her, snapshot side by side and just hang out. It was bitter cold, but we made the most of it. And it became quite an eatfest. But boy, did we have fun. Thanx D, till we meet again....:)



Miss D. also shot some lovely pict of my cat Thom and me. I think these are the first photo's ever where we are on one pict at the same time...so that's a great gift. She's a great artist /photographer / painter. So go check out her website if you want to see some beauties.... www.leijdekkers.nl/ or her ImageCreative account.

London Calling (day 3)

Waking up to see a beautiful view, colours bouncing of the buildings across the water, like city gems showing of their shine. It felt again like home. A memory of a sunrise ages ago popped up to fill me with childhood memories of waking up on the deck of our ship. Pink sky, little swirls of mist, birds diving, playing and skipping the surface of the water. Horses grazing or standing a bit dazed in pastures heavy with dew and sparkling with the promise of a new day. My third day in London started out good, a promise of the things to come.

Then mister D. opened his laptop and panic broke out. So much to do, so much to do. I just smiled, I had intended to explore the surroundings for 2 days now and I would like some time on my own, just strolling around, talking to people and taking in the sights. Thinking about the last couple of days and letting it all sink in. So I grabbed my cam, kissed him goodbye and inhaled the fresh morning air.

I enjoyed my little trip to the end of the dock very much. Taking pictures that my friend described as “Only you can go to London and come back with pictures like this.” Meaning you really have no clue what or where the pictures are taken. But I know and so they are like little memory cards stacked away in my little room upstairs. For me to pick up and ponder on, now that I’m back home. Somehow it’s just too quiet.




It was surprising how I felt at home standing at the dock of the bay. Overlooking the Dome, watching the container homes stacked 4 stories high. The feel of this artist community so felt like my own home, the air sizzling with creative energy. The quiet, the water, the view, everything felt familiar. As if I have been here a thousand times before and still can get caught up in the feel of this place…the edge of the world in the middle of a metropolis. “I could live here” …the thought crossed my mind briefly and I was dumbfounded. Me, the one who always wanted to get away, see far horizons, travel the world…but always stayed home. Me…the one who couldn’t stand the thought of being far away from friends, family and all that is familiar…that me? Let go of everything and everyone and just go. I didn’t know I had it in me…but now I do.



My little trip to the new edge of my world ended up in an American diner on the edge of the water called Fatboy’s Diner. I walked into the mid fifties in one little step and almost expected to find Elvis sitting at the counter eating an early morning burger. To honour his memory I ordered potato peelings with chili and sourcream and the first Coke I had in ages. Sipping my drink and savouring each bite, I watched the customers come and go, talk to the Italian owner with his big eyes and curly hair. The owner was very talkative and I was curious how he ended up here. So he shared the short version of his life story with me. He came to London to improve his English, fell in love with the city, bought this diner and never looked back…and that was 15 years ago. I just smiled…


And before I knew it, I was eating a tasty cabbage/union/bacon lunch with mister D. and was whisked away to the train station once more.
These last hours seemed to have slowed down to a mere halt and then time pressed a ferocious FFW and suddenly I was sitting in the car, kissing lips I knew I wouldn’t feel for quite some time. And then I was out the door, into the train, through the tunnel and out of the country. When I will be seeing that beautiful English sky…I don’t know. But I know one thing, it will have been to long.

I have learned a lot about myself this weekend and have a lot to think about. But if there is one thing I have…then it’s time…let’s hope it spreads it’s wings and flies fast and true.

London Calling (day 2)

After a bit of a short night, I woke up at 6.00 o’clock, alarm ringing in my ear. Oh I just wanted to snuggle up, pull up the blankets, hide my head under a pile of cushions and be in Lala land for another hour or 2. But the alarm was merciless and well…I was the one who said she wanted to go to the fishmarket early in the morning…so up up up. And out we went, streets deserted, sun still resting…sleepy eyed driving along and finding the doors locked. No market, not on Sunday, it took us a while to digest this, but hell, it was 6.30 o’clock on a Sunday morning. But after a while our brains caught up and we turned with a vengeance and jumped right into bed…Yippieeeeeee. A bed never felt this good. Would have loved to get some fisheggs, but sometimes a bed is just more fun…J

After this slow, bumpy start we had a really nice breakfast…bacon, poached egg and toast. Cooked for me by 2 men…I was in heaven.



And then we were of and went to the National Portrait Gallery to see a life work exhibition of the female photographer Annie Leibovitz. And I just got blown away, gripping portraiture, stunning black and whites. Somehow she just seems to capture the human soul. I often have seen portraits where it seems the people on it aren’t really there. They seem a bit detached, but with her they are painfully there. Looking at you with a staggering understanding you are watching them, but really…they are looking at you. And it just made me swallow hard. There was one self-portrait that just ripped my guts out and twisted them hard. She was lying in a bathtub naked, her hand over the breast that is just not there anymore. It was so gripping, brought back so many memories flashing before my eyes. I had to try really hard not to start crying my heart out just there and then. I looked at mister D and saw a distance that hadn’t been there all weekend and I suspected a similar powerful feeling of sorts. The overwhelming power of her pictures got to him I guess. I asked him later… I already suspected the answer.



After eating the stew that had been brewing since Saturdaynight mister D took me to his local pub and we sat before a fireplace overlooking the water and the beautifully lit Dome. I think I can acquire a taste for Cider and good conversation. We made a real mess by feeding the poor fireplace pistachio nutshells. I kind of hoped they would pop and shoot into space or something. Though I had planned to keep it light this weekend, it did get a bit emotional. But the fact that it didn’t seem to be a problem for him or me, just confirms that something special is going on. It was an unusual easygoing weekend, it just fit like a glove. Surrendering to someone is something I normally find hard to do. But somehow it just happened and it felt good, relaxed, no feminist bullshit rising it’s ugly head… just fun, light and sparkly. To be treated like a princess is something I can get used to. Where it will go…I don’t know, but I’m curious.

London Calling (day 1)

Taking a leap of fate…I stepped on the train Saturday morning and set of to London. Feeling a bit nervous and giddy at the same time, miles flew by and I submerged from under the watery Channel to see a beautiful English sky welcoming me. Before I knew it, I was checking out and stepping onto St. Pancras station. Japanese were all over the place, following their ‘umbrella’ leader like good little sheep. I just looked at them with a feeling of confused amusement. Looking around I felt a bit anxious…. where was he? Could it be possible that I was stood up, having come all the way to London? Ignoring nervous bubbles in my stomach I took the stairs and got to the top of the station to watch the beautiful clockwork towering over it like a faithful guardian. On the platform was a statue of the poet sir John Betjeman looking up. But that was not what interested me…the words engraved in the floor around it where just staggeringly beautiful. Painting images, echoing and bouncing inside my head. Making me feel light-headed.

"And in the shadowless unclouded glare. Deep blue above us fades to whiteness where. A misty sea-line meets the wash of air."
By Cornish Cliffs

And then he was coming up the stairs and I couldn’t restrain the smile that broke my face in half. It was good to see him again. It only had been two weeks, I really didn’t know what to expect. But the rush of glowing sparkles running up my back told me I was ok. Just keeping my fingers crossed I watched him get closer and closer still. Looking into his eyes, it felt a bit like coming home. How strange to not really know someone and feel right at home and comfortable as if I have known him forever.

And then off we went…to the The London Eye (Millennium Wheel). Walking hand in hand with light so beautiful, backlighting Big Ben, the Millenium Wheel and all the heads of the people swirling underneath me. I so wanted to go on the wheel but the queue was just too much. And standing underneath it and looking up in awe was enough for me.
I got a bit distracted anyway…



Walking along the Thames with the setting sunlight streaking and vibrating, painting beautiful pictures of all the people that were gathering around…it felt a bit like being in Paris. As soon as the sun set, it got silly cold though and we decided to go to a local Wine bar Gordan’s. The atmosphere in there was just amazing. We were in catacombs so low you could almost bump your head on the ceiling. That and the low lighting created a very intimate feel to the place. I already felt giddy when I first stepped into this bar. But after a couple of glasses of good wine, I felt like skipping and singing and and and…then we kissed… And I could have lit the whole city for an hour.

On the way home we got some amazing sushi and then we were on the boat to the Docklands, speeding over the Thames, lights dancing on the water. Music rushing through and over us, looking at each other with foolish grins and twinkly eyes. I just felt so spoiled and pampered to the bone. Out of the boat and into a London taxi I saw a fox passing us by, just around the corner of his house. And like a little kid, I just kept jumping up and down shouting….”A fox, look a fox, a fox….damn…a FOX” A fox in the middle of London who could imagine. I love those beasties, the smart eyes, the fluffy ears, beautiful red coat and the prancing and light gait. It felt like a promise, a sign or just a small wonder. And then we were home….

Antwerpen in a nutshell

A trip to Antwerpen from back to front... Had fun, seen a lot of beautiful things, met crazy people, ate the most delicious pizza ever. Saw the most amazing pictures of a photograper named Marie-Francoise Plissart. Had very good company and enjoyed myself very much. 

Intuition

It’s been gone a very long while...my tack sharp intuition, but I believe all the yoga and meditation is opening a door I thought closed. The little coincidences that aren’t coincidences. The hints that for some reason get magnified as if to tell me something and then it’s right... strange and such a big relief to have it back, even if it’s just a little. I have felt like I had lost an arm or a leg for such a long time... It feels like breathing, finally getting that big gasp or air you have needed and longed for, for such a long time... Air, guidance and sparkle... opening me up to a world lost....now found। Rome here I come... :)

Hair Gue / Glue

Ieeeeeee I went to a new hairdresser, she cut my hair nice and easy, but the gue she put in. You won’t believe it! I just washed my hair 8 times...8 f... times and it’s still in. Like bubblegum caught in hair and the only way to get rid of it is getting your clippers and mow every hair of your head....Blehhhh. Not amused. 8 Times, 8 TIMES...damn...hope I can get it out tomorrow morning...:( But the hair looks nice.

Till We Meet Again...

Memory Rebirth

My memory has never been my strongest asset. And I never really minded, till I lost my mother and with each passing day my memories of her began to fade as well. It is like losing her all over again and somehow that hurts even more then the first time. I have decided long ago, that to reclaim those lost memories and gather new, I will ask everybody who has held her in their hearts to share a few memories with me. It’s time to start that journey, I’m a bit frightened to take the first step. I don’t know where this path will lead me. But it’s time and I’m on my way.

Here are some questions I would like to ask the people I will be interviewing...

• How did you meet my mother?
• Has she made a difference in your life?
• What is your fondest or most special moment with her? It can be sad, funny or deeply felt.
• What did you like about her the most?
• What was she like as a person? (kid, woman, wife, friend and mother)
• What has she meant to you in life and what has her death meant to you personally?
• How was she before and after she had me? Did she change? Can you tell me something about the period she was pregnant with me?
• How did she cope with the death of my big brother?
• What can you tell me about her marriage with my father and the period after their divorce?
• If there is one decision you think she should have done differently, what would that be?
• Can you tell me an anecdote of my mother I don’t know? About her childhood, her relationship with her family, boyfriends, school, work, holiday, life philosophy, me etc.
• What was her opinion of herself and how did you see her?
• How did you experience the last days of my mother and what is your last memory of her?
• What do you miss about her most?
• If you could talk to her now, what would you like to say to her?

With these questions I hope to recover and create memories of my mother, the way she stood in life and love and how she was as a child. I also hope to fill in some large blindspots that we never got round to. I hope to breath life into the memory of this beautiful and loving woman, who was special to so many people. But mostly I hope to feel her stepping beside me on my road in life once again...and this time to stay.

How to go to work and fail....

I was all fired up yesterday about starting fresh this morning...arriving very early at my job (am always late) and go at it like a fire-starter (so much to do). I should know by now, that’s not how it works. And when ever I get a thought like that, my inner alarms should go off like there’s no tomorrow. But of course...THAT...didn’t happen.
Put my buzzer at 6 o’clock, planning a little morning yoga, getting a good breakfast (porridge), enjoying a longgggg shower. But of course....THAT...didn’t happen either. I went to bed so early yesterday night, had a freak nightmare that stood all my hairs on end at 3 o’clock in the morning. Wondered through the house for an hour and then fell asleep to never wake up in time, slamming my buzzer to oblivion and well didn’t get a good start. But well why stop there? Why not make it a ‘little’ bit worse...hey why not? (How do I hate that Murphy).

Got on the train just in time...and that got a grin on my face...for I could sit for once. Arrived at Schiedam to stumble and almost getting thrown off by the immense crowd gathering and blocking my way to my favorite spot on the platform. Again...alarm-bells should have been whaling, jumping up and down and screaming bloody murder... But of course....THAT....will NEVER happen. So I sat down, froze by butt off, chatted to an acquaintance and got colder and colder and...well...colder and still no train in sight. Then a voice, booming like God descended on earth himself, said in a casual way “Due to an unexpected delay in maintenance we are sad to report that all trains to The Hague, Leiden and Amsterdam will not be driving today. Substitute trains will be put in, but when and where they will arrive at this station is not known. Please stay tuned and listen to the announcer for more information.” What the f... I’m cold, the platform looks like a beehive in a frenzy, how am I ever gonna get on a train, let alone work?

Well I don’t of course. For 2 trains 1/3 of their usual size arrived within an hour, arriving totally crammed up with people. You could see the people inside being pressed against the glass and the doors and I’m suppose to get in there? Hell no. But as a good employee trying to get to work, I did try. I really did, to the point that I tried to highjack the back of the train where the driver sits when the train is going the other way. Some people managed to get in, but well...I got kicked out. And I was so bloody cold, I was ready to cry or start shouting to no-one or anything in particular, a pole would do... Arrrrggggghhhhh. So I took a deep breath, thought things through and called my boss to tell him I was not going to make it today. I would switch my usual day off for today and I’m gonna ly in bed and try to get warm...which eventually happened after...4 hours or so...brrrrrrrrr.

I’m ok now, but what a way to start my week. Now what’s the lesson to be learned from this? Forget good intentions, you either just do it, or you forget about it totally. For if you don’t, Murphy will surely be making a house-call and then you’ll be sorry...:)

PS: If I'm really honest and I mean reaaaallllyyy honest, I wasn't feeling up to working today. Had a bit of a confusing, exiting and strange weekend. So on retrospect....that Murphy isn't so bad at all, maybe I should give him a ring and thank him. Mmm maybe I'll just do that. 

Floating on Passion Road

Been a bit restless tonight, so went snooping in my computer and stumbled unto the 'music'files I used for my artproject last summer. Never got around to placing them on the net. Won't show you the samples of the interviews we took, but just the few files my friends and I taped. They are samples of my favorit poems and the unforgetable song "Ne me quitte pas". 

This is in words where I was going for with this project...

"Close your eyes, breath in deeply, 

hear how the wind softly wispers in the trees 

and feel how your toes are just touching 

the water underneath your feet. 

You're at a lake, so silent and still, 

you can see your whole world reflected upside down. 

It's quiet but then you hear a sweet voice just out of reach. 

It's like listening to people talking while you are floating in water, 

your ears just beneath the surface. 

The sound grows, you can almost hear...

It fades away and comes nearer to you still. 

Words are dancing over the water in waves of soft murmers 

caressing and teasing you. 

Telling you about loves lost, unending sadness, 

playful joy, childlike wonder and radiant happiness.

Your eyes are still closed, 

a soft radiance is starting to come through, 

it's warm and pleasant and fills your heart with joy. 

The light begins to dance and play with the voices, 

playing hide and seek...

slowly the light increases and so do the murmers. 

You feel a joy building up inside you, ready to explode...

you're dancing, dancing with the light, floating on the water, 

touched by the voices that surround you... 

Bliss.... 

and then it's gone... 

The silence drums in your ears, 

it's your turn to break the silence,

tell the world your hidden dreams,

 your most precious thoughts.

 

The next day when you walk along the lake, 

you'll hear your heart beating,

drumming your dreams, your joys, 

whispering your broken heart. 

But you're not alone, 

more souls join in.

 What was once painfull joy

 blends into a song....

a celibration of life, 

a celibration of you....

breathhhhhe."

Industrial Midwinter's Dream

Had a surprising day today. Beyond expectation I managed to slip away from my job, travel to an industrial harbor area in Rotterdam, battle wind, storm and hail and stood in a photostudio, meeting mister D. for the first time and holding very expensive camera's in my hand...pure bliss. Was very nice meeting mister D., was just too short a time. Was quite nervous to be honest. Had no idea where I was going or what and who I was going to find when I arrived. So I blasted my brains out with Yogamantra's on my iPod. It made for a very strange movielike experience... Traveling through Rotterdam, seeing the strangest things, getting out at the last busstop to go to the last building on a endless street, being hammered by hail and walking through all kinds of industrial stuff. And all the while the ecstatic and soothing sounds of Yoga and Peru like sounds filled my heart and ears. The contrast was so big and strange it was really rediculous. And made me grin most of the time, which people seemed to find quite strange...:)

On my way back to the bus stop, I shot some photo's I really like. They are a bit cruchy, but I like the feel of them. No idea what it is...but I like them anyway...:) 

Mister D. had a blast, hope to meet you soon.

Ancient Tree

There is an ancient tree in Vlaardingen. It's a very special tree for you can walk straight through it. It's a couple of centuries old and it feels safe and peaceful to stand inside this big fellow and just look around. It's amazing what you can see, standing inside a tree...:)