Like yesterday it was a wintry day, with hailstorms and grey painted skies. Huddled on my sofa, desperately trying to get warm... my mood switched from drowsy to melancholy to plain sad. I'm dreaming a lot about my mother lately. She passed away when I was only 20 years old and although it's already 11 years ago. It still feels like yesterday... And sometimes it is just as though she never existed, memories are fading fast. I forget her voice, how she smells, how it felt to be touched by her loving hand, how she looked in the morning or when she went out. It all seems so unreal now and with the fading memories, surfaces the sorrow of loosing her all over again. The phrase: "Better to have loved, then never to have loved at all," seems so empty when you never can find anything like that again. The love of a mother is a one time gift and there is no way of getting it back once lost. People say..."She lives in your memories"...but she is not...she is fading into oblivion and I find that too hard to bare for such a special, warm and loving person who touched so many lives.
Today I was pondering how my life would be now if she had lived this very day... and I just couldn't picture it in my mind. She would have had the roadmap to Rome... or just bits and pieces that I could use to complete my puzzle of life. I would know that whatever choice I make in life...for the good or bad. She would love me anyway and support me with every step I'd take. That's all gone now... and it makes me sad. Sad for her and sad for me, for all the moments we won't share (children, boyfriends, success, sorrow, joy and just plain living). I am surrounded by people who love me and who I love dearly, but they can't fill the gap that she left...and I guess nobody ever will.
For 20 years I've had a mother who loved me for all I am and who was my confidant and best friend. That is more then most people get in a lifetime. Still it feels a bit lonely to step onto my own road and know she will not be there to catch me if I fall.
1 comment:
This is so sad. It made me remember my father who died in '97. I look at this old house and think, it was he who built it, he gave us shelter. I think of the things he taught me, the things he gave me, and I think, in this way, he is alive. His determination to have a better life, to give to us, I hope I have that. And the way he helped others.
Maybe the lessons your mum taught you, and certain ways that you are today, that is how your mum lives now.
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