Parting is such sweet sorrow

Tomorrow we're going to say goodbye to our grandmama, mother, sister and friend. Even the most stubborn person has to let go of life sometime. Hope you had the welcoming party you deserve. Tomorrow we're gonna give you a farewell party to last a lifetime. I have your glasses granny, to remind me of your unique way on looking on life, people and men. To remind me how to embrace life with every fiber of my being, to pursue the things I dream off and be stubborn as hell, if only just to annoy people.
I'm glad you and my mother are together now, in more ways then one. Both lying under the same piece of grass and same open sky. Pity on the neighbor's, their gonna have more then one sleepless night because of you two chatting away.

I will remember you every time I'll go to bed and spread my long hair on my pillow. Just as you told us, grandpa liked with yours. I still do it, you know, still after all these years. I will miss your stories on the way things were back then and I will miss your smile and laughter. Music has become a special thing for me, because this stayed with you the longest, singing and humming almost till your last breath.

I was glad to see some of your edge return a couple of weeks ago, bossing people around again with that whip that you call your tongue. You sure weren't the most easy person to get along with, but it was never boring being around you. The end of an era has past, for you no longer walk this plane. But gramps feel free to check on us any time you want and be sure to take my mother along.

3th Place

I won, I won...
My picture 'Circle of Life' ended up at the 3th place in the Challenge "Incomplete' at Fujimugs.
Wow, wow......WOW
Now I'm going back to sleep....WOW

Forgetful mind(s)

Some people have trouble ..."how to forget", my problem is more like the opposite: "how to remember".
Today I stepped into my office at about 10, closed the door to indicate to everybody "Keep out...I'm busy" and started working. At about 11 my door opened, so I looked up...kind of cranky. It was my boss. He says..."where were you?" I look at him like he's lost his mind..."well right here, where else would I be???" He looks at me (puzzled), "well...you were supposed to take notes at the ....meeting, remember?" Eh..hell no. So far as I can blush (am brown you know) I resembled a strawberry, I was red inside and out...."Oeps". Luckily, I have an indulgent boss. But I think I am the strangest secretary he has ever had. He has to remind me all the time what to do and he thought he was the forgetful one... Sorry guess again. Oh forgetful mind, ain't there a cure, a pill or a spare brain on lease? I would even go for a Bond's brain..."Shaken not stirred." Ehhh anybody?!

Coincidence doesn't exist

I just got a phonecall from a Gaston...
He was looking for a Bo and dialed my mobilephonenumbre (secret).
Really strange, I don't know him, he doesn't know me, he is looking for a Bo and he found one?
Ehhhh. Should I have asked him on a date?!?
Guess I'll never know...

All kinds of Melancholy

Today I visited my grandmama again. And although I had silly fun yesterday with my friend Maggie It all seemed to wash away when I went into her room and saw her lying there. Oh so still and working for every breath she took.
It's taking to long, noone should have to die so, oh so slow. But she won't let go of life, she is fighting every step of the way. It makes me wonder...what for? My mother and her husband are waiting to take her in their arms on the other side. What does she have in this life, that is worth this kind of struggle and pain? What makes it worth her while? Is it maybe the gentle care of my aunty, that makes her want to hang on just a little longer. Or is it just plain stubborness of a woman who has always had her way? Even in dying she is strong and powerful, you got to give her that. Silly woman...let go....we all will meet again soon. Time is such a strange thing. Before you know it, we will all be by your side again and in the meanwhile you can boss us around from up there.

The journey to and from...eh...nowhere

Silverlining

Let's face it, this wasn't my week. Murphy's law has been no stranger.
But yesterday the silverlining appeared again. And it all didn't seem so bleak, sad and angry.
I had my evaluation with my boss and while enjoying a good meal at an Italian, things started to look up. I was a bit worried about this conversation, because, like I said, this just wasn't my week. Turned out it was fine and I think there is room for a lot of improvement, but I've just started anyway. Glad I found this job, my sore wounds, left by my former employer, are slowly mending themselves. And working with that crazy boss of mine is more fun than I expected. I'm developing packs...not from working out, but from laughing all day at his silly jokes.

Melancholy

I am doing fine, it's getting better...just not today.

My day....eh OK...?!

I can't get no sleep

I open my eyes... it's 4 o'clock in the morning...again...sigh.
Seems to be a trend of some kind or is my body just so confused that it thinks 4 o'clock is the time I should go down and start brushing my teeth? Even my cats don't want to sleep with me anymore, I keep them awake with all my tossing and turning.

Random thoughts keep tumbling through my head and I just don't seem to be able to stop them. I guess that remark at work still really upsets me. I thought that I had found a safe haven and now there is a bit of trouble in paradise. I guess it is as bad as I make it. But tell my silly head, cause it's keeping me awake.

I wish I could take it off and put it on my bedside cabinet, so I could get a decent night of sleep. And when morning comes and it's like 8 o'clock I put it back on. That should work and it's practical also...no bad hairdays, don't have to take my make-up off...that kind of thing. It's a pity my dream world doesn't exist in this plane of existence... what a waste.

Twisted minds

I've always been surprised and fascinated by how the humanmind works, especially the mind of women in the workplace. I am having a very good time at my work...liking the job and having a lot of fun with my crazy boss. We laugh a lot and I get him most of the time (his humor is just like my brother's). Let me say it clicks. And I'm glad because after my previous experience with my former boss, I really needed to. So I'm thinking, sunshine, hard work and a lot of laughs...I did something right. Till yesterday one of my colleagues pops the question "Which one has a relationship with ...."my boss", he spends so much time in your room?!" They really had me... I was flabbergasted, "What the f...?"

And then it hits me...jealous? Why ask that, you know he has a girlfriend, what goes on in that twisted little head of yours? Oh I get it, you don't like it that we're having fun? You got the sole right on that, have you? Or are you just so bored and so sexually unsatisfied, that you have to make up juicy stories about other peoples lives so yours doesn't seem so bleak and boring?!

Sorry if I get a little strong about this, but I had hoped to leave this kind of nonsense at my former job. What is it that makes some people resent others to have fun and to like their jobs? I almost felt like I had to put some distance between my boss and myself. I don't want to get him into any kind of trouble. But on the other hand, this kind of behavior says more about them, then it says about me. Let them have their silly fantasy, it just makes me angry and also a little sad, that I have to face this kind of stuff everywhere I go...

Circle of Life

Yesterday I visited my grandmama who is waiting to die. My body walked into her room and my soul and heart walked out.
Seeing her like this is just to hurtful and undeserving for the way she lived...full of heart, passion and spirit. If I'm honest I said my goodbyes when she moved to the nursing-home a couple of years back. The strong woman I had know all my life was already fading away. And I found it hard to reconcile those two totally opposite personalities. I wanted to remember her like she was; beautiful, vain, powerful, demanding, passionate, generous, loving, bitchy and squeezing every moment out of life.

So there I sat in my chair beside her bed, seeing my aunty feeding her with a love and patience that surprises me every time. Especially because she doesn't want to show any 'weakness'. It fills me with tenderness but also sorrow because I can't seem to do that. Her friend was joking around with my grandma and although I don't think she notices anymore, I know she would appreciate it if she could. I find this kind of decay just to hard to swallow, maybe it brings back memories I'm glad to forget...stirring long lost feelings of hurt and sorrow. When I think of it, when my mother died I said my goodbyes to a lot of people. Creating a distance between them and myself. Not that I loved them any less, just that I took into account that life ends in parting and one day we all have to say our goodbyes one way or another.

A wise woman said to me once: "Memories are created in the way you want to remember them." And I want to remember my grandmama sitting at her dressoir and getting ready for bed, stroking her long silver-gray hair one hundred times. I want to hold on to the feeling of her arms surrounding me while we dance around in the living room and I'm standing on her feet to learn the steps. To see her naughty smile, when we share a secret and her eyes light up. To see men of all ages turn their head, when she passes like a lady with her energetic step. I want to remember her telling everyone that she has a bad heart and then dancing till everybody drops except herself. I want to remember the taste of her homemade pom and doing dishes afterwards. The endless stream of self-made dresses, Barbies and dolls, because she couldn't stand the fact that her first grandchild rather played with minicars, skelters, hobbles and preferred trousers over skirts. I was a girl after all, so she thought she could turn me over...guess I've won. But don't worry grandma I'm learning.

I'm sorry that you're not gonna see my children like you promised. We had a pact, remember? And I'm sorry I never wrote that book about you and your adventures in Suriname, like we always talked about. But I think it is time for you to let go...to move to the other side and be reunited with your long lost love and my grandpapa. I will always carry your laughter and spirit with me. I'm afraid that your advises of how to keep your man aren't working for me, but I'll keep trying and practice makes perfect...you should know. Love you gramps, have a save and easy flight.

That time of the month...

Nature has a strange sense of humor called PMS.
One day everything is fine, the sun is shining, you're smiling and you're feeling good... The next day you lovingly rip people's heads off and have a absolute craving for CHOCOLATE. Everything is a BIG issue, no smooth sailing, you can't stand any comments on what so ever, you're emotional and all the while you're thinking: "What the hell is going on? Who is this person using my skin as a fancy coat?"
"This isn't me...stop it."

It even gets worse when people (read: men) are asking you if it is that time of the month. Of course they're right....But PLEAAASE don't say it out loud... You are in the danger zone...it's defcom 1 out there. If you don't want to see a mushroom cloud and want to see another day, please don't mention it.

Mine has just passed my door and my environment can start breathing again. Actually so can I. It's not really a picnic to have those hormones racing in your bloodstream. Screaming about everything, getting angry, getting sad and want to cry, feeling lonely, feeling unappreciated, being insecure while otherwise boosting with confidence and so on and so on. I will be the first in line when they'll find a cure for this monthly illness. Like those torment balletshoes, this must be an invention of a man.

(Sorry guys, guess my time isn't over yet)

Just a day in Vlaardingen

I woke up this morning with the sun in my face...finally it had happened so I went out to do my grocery shopping and such, but took my camera with me just in case. I wanted to go to the pound anyway to take some pictures. And I ended up with some surprises on the way.

Some people walk their dog...others their rabbit.

Jailers without a cause...

The strange and funny people you can meet in the streets of Vlaardingen

Zadkine and Murphy's Law

After a hard day at work, I was tired and almost didn't do what I had planned...take my photo of the Zadkine statue in Rotterdam...The one with it's heart ripped out...I thought that it would be a great picture. But when I got there...it was gone...only a lonely socle stood firmly in place. After missing 'the Erasmus Bridge dissapearing in the morning fog' picture, this was just to much to take. I felt like Murphy's law was hunting me.
So I turned around....and what did I see? Zadkine in scaffolding. There were only a few peepholes, so I didn't think I got anything good, especially with the dirty glass. But when I got home and I started to play with compositions...I was surprised. No Murphy's Law after all, but a beautiful picture instead:
A story/statue with a hole in the middle and scaffoldings surrounding it... how much more 'Incomplete' can you get.


This statue is called 'The demolished city' and it's made by Ossip Zadkine. It's a symbol of Rotterdam after the WOII bombardment... a city with its heart ripped out.

Guide for men...What women don't want...

A few days ago I finished the book 'The War of the Flowers' by Tad Williams. And one conversation caught my eye...finally someone who gets it....and he's a man...go figure. The conversation is between Theo (hero of sorts) and a Tinkerbell with a foul attitude named Applecore.


He (Theo) groaned again. "I don't know anything."
"Oh, yes, you do. I used to have a gentleman friend just like you. Sweet-tempered most of the time-he could be lovely, he could - but he just took everything that was given him and never wondered what was expected back."
"So what the hell is expected back, will you tell me that? Or are we men just supposed to read your minds?"

"By the Trees," she said, "it's like talking to a faun in the springtime. Look, fella, so you didn't tell her you loved her or that you were going to live with her in a cottage by the sea. Did you hold her hand? Did you listen while she talked about how happy she was? Did you or did you not tell her she was lovely and that you were glad you met her?"
"I thought you were sleeping! You were listening!" (...) "Okay," he said at last. "You were listening. What was I supposed to say? She was nice."

"You're just like that fella I went with. Theo, what do you lads expect? You make us work for every word out of you. Half the time if we let you have what you want, we never hear from you again, or if we do, you've gone all strange on us. We have to try to read you like a book in some language we don't know, then when we make a mistake, you tell us, 'Ha, I never said that! You can't prove it!' Look, you, you can't hold a girl's hand, cuddle up with her, tell her she's beautiful, then pretend that because you didn't ask for her hand in marriage it's all a mystery why she's upset when you piss off at the first opportunity."


I can only say: "Go Applecore/Tinkerbell...goooo"

On the way home...with a detour

On my way to the trainstation from work to home, I walk the artaxis of Rotterdam... so why not take some pictures while I'm at it? Looking for an 'incomplete' frame or just taking stickynotes for my Fuji.

Fujimugs Fever

Let the games begin... Since a couple of weeks I participate in photo challenges by Fujimugs. The last challenge (Moods & Atmospheres) I ended up at a 13th and 23th place from the 2x60 participants. Not bad if you take into account that there are quite a few prof.photographers who send in photo's.

I missed my great shot of the Erasmus Bridge, but taking my Olympus with me every day and using it as a kind of notebook helped me to figure out what to do with the theme 'Incomplete'. There are quite a few artworks in Rotterdam that are the embodiment of it. So I hope the weather is gonna be nice and shiny this weekend, because I'm 'coming out'.

Fujimugs is real fun (www.fujimugs.com). I can recommend it to everyone who likes to take pictures and wants to become better at it. But beware... it's addictive. I can't look at things as I used to, my eyes are constantly searching for the next shot... zoom in, zoom out... hence the nickname Zoomfreaky.

A favorite of mine is Yirmon, he really can take a picture and he's got his own blogsite called: thedailyexposure.com
He tries to put 1 photograph a day on his site and just from looking at his pictures I've learned a lot. And I know I've got a long way to go. But that was the whole point... undertaking things, stepping on that road and learning along the way.

Picture lost...picture found

Yesterday I missed the shot of a lifetime and almost threw a tantrum in the middle of busy trafficcrossing. There she was....the Erasmus Bridge looming through the thick fog, half of her fading out into the unknown... and I didn't get that beautiful sight....grrrrrr. The reason why this was/is so frustrating is because I wanted to bring my camera (Olympus not Fuji) to work that morning, in case I saw something interesting on the way. But my batteries were low, so I had to recharge them...and missed this picture that could have got me high into the next challenge of Fujimugs: Incomplete.

"Every disadvantage has its advantage," is a well known saying of Johan Kruijff and it's true. From now on I will always have one camera with me, where ever I may go. So this morning I packed my Olympus, recharged batteries and all and went to work. Nothing happened till I was ready for the weekend, walking to the station and the train that would take me home. In the moody grey street walked two very yellow girls with what seemed chickenmasks on their faces. I looked at them, they looked at me and before I knew it they were crossing the street. They were collecting money to adobt chickens (Ehhhh ok) and sang me a song for a small contribution, it was so hilarious I couldn't resist. In return I asked them if I could take their picture and so I got this strange photograph at the end of a busy week. Good thing I had my camera on me.


The crazy colors are caused by using bulblighting as whitebalance. Didn't do it on purpose, but liked the effect when I saw it on my camera. The yellow really jumps out to bite you.

Remembering...One shot of happy

A few days ago I wrote about my mother and how I miss her in my life. I was very sad that day, but it's not the whole story...it was the 'two shots of sad'. But I left out the 'one shot of happy'...so here comes the 'one shot of happy'.

Tuesday I had my performance with my singinggroup 'The High Key' or 'de Hoge Noot'. And preparing for it, dressing up, putting my make-up on, I felt a now familiar feeling trickle through my vains, a feeling of recognition of deja-vu. While doing all those feminine things I felt my mother come close. It's like she and I blurred into one in that moment of time. I watched myself in the mirror and saw my mother look back. I still have a photograph of her where she looks so much like the one you can see here. It was a bit frightning, but it also felt safe, warm and happy.

The more I'm forgetting, the more I get this kind of deja-vu's. Sometimes I look a certain way and I think...that's the way my mother always looked, when... It's so strange and so natural to feel your face taking a pose that you know, is your mothers and now it's yours. Sometimes I look at my legs putting on stockings and I see my mothers legs, even when I sometimes laugh out loud I hear my mother in my voice. So she is not forgotten, not gone as long as I'm around, she lives through me and I'm happy to carry a bit of her inside me, making it my own and knowing she and I will always be together in that way.

Singing my song....and voting at the same time

Tuesday is gonna be the day... The day that I perform for about 400 people for the first time in I don't know how long. I'm nervous... It’s election day and we got the gig. But fortunately for me...I’m not alone! I sing in a group of about 21 women and it is a lot of fun.
Here some pictures 'backstage' at the last performance in januari.

If you were a landscape I could walk through...

Cleaning up...I stumbled over a long lost agenda and in it I found my all time favorit poem "Als je een landschap was waar ik doorheen kon lopen". It is written by Vasalis. She paints pictures with words: vivid and beautifully painful. I will try to translate it..

If you were a landscape I could walk through,
stand still and watch with open eyes,
and ly down on the hard soil
press my face against it and not say a word,
But most of all you enbody the big sky above,
where there is room for light and stormy clouds,
and the free wind in between
that caresses my hair and covers my face with kisses,
without asking, without promisses

Als je een landschap was waar ik doorheen kon lopen,
stilstaan en kijken met mijn ogen open,
en languit op de harde grond gaan liggen,
er mijn gezicht op drukken & niets zeggen.
Maar het meest lijk je op de grote lucht erboven,
waar ruimte is voor buien licht & donk're wolken,
en op de vrije wind daartussen,
die in mijn haren woelt en mijn gezicht met kussen
bedekt, zonder te vragen, zonder te beloven

M. Vasalis

Tree For One....my favorit place to be

A lot of people have asked me to show them my graduationproject 'Tree For One, treehotel". Because they couldn't get to the exposition of "New Idols of Design". So I thought to show them and all interested.

Last summer I graduated at the Willem de Kooning Artschool in Rotterdam. I'm officially an interiorarchitect now. With this project I won the Zuid Hollandse Design Price for 3D Design last november and I'm participating in an other competition as well. Keeping my fingers crossed.


The concept for 'Tree For One' is to take away the shell of a hotel and scatter the several functions like reception, bedrooms, bathrooms & dining-area over a piece of forest. The functions are located at several altitudes in the trees and are connected with each other by a bridge or path that snakes through the trees from ground level to about 18 meters above ground. The reason that I did this is to let people experience as much of a tree/forest as possible...from roots to the top leafs and all in between. The emphasis is put on the outside experience, so people have to get out into the open to move from one function to the next. The buildings are designed from the inside out and each has it's own view experience and special way to let the forest in.

The location I found by accident by deliberately getting lost in a forest near Utrecht. You can imagine my surprise when I turned a 'corner' and found this magnificent piece of forest. With trees up to 25 meters and about 300 years old. It's also a little surreal because these trees stand on a grid of 12,5 by 12,5 meters....very odd. I think it was meant to be a production forest but it has never been harvested...lucky me!

Wanna get lost? I know the way. (Loesje)

The main functions can be devided into 6 groups:
... Treewalk (connecting bridge in 8-like shape)
1 Loungy Start (reception)
2, 5 Zeven Heavens High (bathroom tower and vertical disclosure) 2x
3, 6 Nighty Night (bedroom, grouped in six, disclosed by a 7 Heavens High tower) 2x
4 Foodies (dining-area and disclosure of the treewalk at 2 levels)
7 360 Degrees (Look-out tower and vertical disclosure of the treewalk at 2 levels)

A concept drawing of how the Treewalk (red line) connects the different functions
at several hights and in which order.

Side-views "Tree for One"

Entrance to "Tree For One" , the path leads to Loungy Start (reception)

Inspiration image for Treewalk,
taken by myself on a wintry day in 2004 in the area of Groningen.

Treewalk at an eye-level of 700 mm.... a bit low. But the hight of the banisters is 1100 mm.
The shapes that form the banisters differ a bit from the next in line. So the banisters distorts while you walk and seems to accompagny you for your little stroll among the trees.

Top-view of Loungy Start (reception)

This building is created by pushing 2 trees into the volume and pulling Treewalk and the entrance-path into the building. The view is concentrated at the 2 shortest sides of Loungy Start.

Modelshot of how the view would look like inside Loungy Start.

Modelshot of 7 Heavens High (no. 2)

The view upon entering one of the bathrooms of 7 Heavens High.
The bathrooms rotate 90 degrees at each new level, so every bathroom has his own special view. The tower 7 Heavens High has a gable of vertical california redwood lamellas who change into horizontal ones where a bathroom touches the gable. The horizontal lamellas give away the location of the bathrooms.

Interior of a Nighty Night.
Hard on the outside and soft in the inside.
The outside gable is made out of a combination of polished rvs and shaded reflective glass.
The walls, floor and ceiling on the inside are covered with thick industrial felt, one wall is a glass gable that can be lowered to a hight of 1100 mm.

View on the interior of Foodies (dining area).
The stairs that connects 2 levels of Treewalk is put outside of the dining-volume
to create an unobstructed flow and an interesting volume of the interior-space.
The gables are organic concrete walls. The weather is kept outside by removable glass-panels.

Well this was as short as I dared to make this presentation. Hope you enjoyed it.
I had fun making and designing this project.

It goes without saying that COPYRIGHT applies to
all text, ideas, pictures etc in this article.
When in doubt mail me:
zoomfreaky@gmail.com