Somehow I feel like my heart is gonna burst with loneliness, heartace of what should have been. I'm not suppost to be this sad woman going nowhere, so totally lost I just don't know where to start. Heavy weigh the tears in my eyes, dark dark feelings stirring under my half smile. I'm ok, really I am fine, see me laughing...just don't hear the cracks of my soul falling to pieces. I'm falling to pieces...but please look the other way.
It's happening all over again and I am tired of fighting, somehow my boxing gloves were lost miles back on this lost road I am following. When I look back to when all was promissing, not a care in the world, so much talent...what could go wrong. And then I took a turn righ, left, right and lost my way. Dizziness is making my sight blurry while rain keeps crashing on my window while I put my foot down on the gas. I can't see a thing, just streaks of light and darkeness, so much darkness. Deep inside I hope I'll hit something solid, so I can stop falling. So sick of myself I wanna throw up, noone to blame but myself, all me, always me.
That sad bleak version of me I do not even recognize in the mirror. So full of selfpity, so desperate to belong, to put the blame on everybody else but myself and knowing it full well. This is not me, I am not this person looking back at me through a rainy reflection on my windowshield. Please wake me from my nightmare life, not again, just not again. "Please make it stop, anyone, just...".
A dark shape appears in front of my bumper strangely lit by my headlights, just a quick thought like "Oh well" a sickning skreaching sound that doesn't seem to be coming from the car, a shockwave, my head hitting something hard, glass flying around me, a buzzing sound and then nothing...just white nothingness...no sound, no smell.
I open my eyes and look around, I don't recognize the room I'm in, don't know the faces looking down on me, don't remember my name... A fresh start, a new beginning, no past, just now...
"I should be so lucky". The sound of my own voice wakes me, I gulp down air like a goldfish in need, open my eyes and it is again the start of a new day. Same old story, same old me, my own waking nightmare...to be continued...again.
2 comments:
You describe this so beautifully. Beauty to paint horror.
I've shared large chunks of my life with such waking nightmares. Eventually turned to Wellbutrin to mute it. Now, years of therapy later, putting my toes in the water again - off wellbutrin - looking for the edge and hoping I can find it, learn to navigate this time with open eyes, without slipping in beneath the surface.
Sounds to me like you've found your footing Hayden. Your little cabbin in the woods... Hope that wisdom will always light your way...)
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