I used to write in my diary almost every day from when I was very little till I was about 20 years old. When my mother started dying, when I moved out and started living on my own...something changed and I stopped writing or reflecting all together. In some periods after that I started again, mostly when I was in love or something like that. Strange enough I didn't write a word during the 6 year period of my former and only serious relationship up to date, maybe if I had, it wouldn't have lasted those 6 years, but that's easy to say now.
2007 started off to be a great year of body, mind and soul, but somehow, somewhere, I lost my way. I've always been a drifting kind of soul I think. Wondering from one place in my heart and head to the other, in love, in work, in direction of life in general and now this year also in friendship. While the year started good and smiling, it ended confused and a bit sad. This jumping from left to right, up and down is making me agitated, restless and frankly scared to death. I feel I can't continue in the way that I have, but don't know what I really want.
Everytime something begins to focus outof the blur of my life I get bored or scared or both and simply let my eyes wonder till I see the next project, the next course to follow. And every time I step away from my former path, I get more frustrated and feel that I am making the wrong turn, but still knowing I can't stay on the rocks that will help cross my river. Instead I jump in the freezing water once again and for a breef moment the cold flames my soul alive, till the freezing cold gets hold of my limps, my skin gets numb and I start climbing on the next rocks the river sends me and again start to jump, walk and climb to the other side.
I'm not doing well I guess. I'm trying, but it takes guts to make choices and I seem to be a coward that lets my river decide which way I have to turn everytime I close my eyes and jump in.
In a whole year I haven't written more then 8 pages in my diary. It is a special kind and a little book that made me smile when I bought it. 1 page for 1 day and at the bottom of every page a little blank picture where you have to draw smileys, tears etc. to indicate what kind of mood you're in today. 8 little droodles that show so clearly the weather of my year. I hope this year will bring me more insight, more courage to confront others and mostly myself. To look in the mirror and like myself again, it's been a while....
1 comment:
very moving; you write very well and clearly. I'm guessing that the fact that you choose to describe and define the situation so clearly means that you are nearing the end of that cycle and are preparing yourself to change. Two steps forward, one step back. Stay brave.
Post a Comment