Little Dutch Poem

I love to take long, hot showers.

Random words gently gliding by, like little rivers of thought merging, dividing, and sliding down my skin. And then suddenly, after all these years... a little poem halts and stares. I jump and stumble to get away from my safe water world to sit down behind my desk and write swiftly, creating little splashes of ink. I'm thinking of a bigggg boatman, who promised to take me sailing. It is windy outside and I want to leave port.

't waait, 't zwaait,

't ruist, 't bruist,

mijn hart klopt hard,

mijn hart klopt diep,

van onder wel,

van boven niet...

Hello again...

Went to Amsterdam a while ago.
Shot these tourists from up up up close.
They never noticed, they were just captivated by their little camera screen and each other.
Wish I could feel that way...
When I look at my photo's, I just shrug and couldn't care less. Their closeness shoves my feelings of solitude right back in my face.

Don't know what's wrong with me lately.
For the last 2 weeks I have felt like crying big, heart wrenching sobs.
But instead I curl up and sleep 18 hours a day, barricading myself in my little home and feeling oh so sorry for myself.
There is no reason for me to feel this way. Nothing big has happened to me lately, except that 2 weeks ago I got sick and stopped running.
And it seems that something has caught up with me.
Like little creepy crawlers, Disappointment and Melancholy are here again, gnawing at my stupid heart and brain.

Maybe it's just that so many people close to me are not in a happy place right now. Maybe I feel scared for the world I live in every day... so much destruction, cruelty and stupidity. Maybe I long for a lover to share my little every day life with. Or maybe it's just that I don't feel happy with who I have become and where I am right now.
The feeling that I'm getting estranged from the me I used to be gets stronger every day.
Pretending to be someone I'm not and not liking the woman in the mirror.

Clueless who I want to be, desperately wanting to recover my passion in life.

Knowing that something has to change, now!

And secretly hoping that out of nowhere Prince Charming will appear to rescue me from this mess. So I don't have to be brave and blindly take the next step into the unknown.

Modelshoot

Animation Frenzy

Am working on an animation for the first time ever.

It's hard work, but sooooo much fun.

Here are the first seconds... I'm aiming at about 30 seconds of animation...

It's gonna be a fun proces!

Memories

Used to think that I looked more like my aunt then my mother. But looking at this old picture I can only say that that isn't true... It makes me so happy. A little piece of her is still in this world...and it's me...

GrrrrrrRRrRRrrrr

Ok, I totally agree, but really, do you have to be so blunt.

How to change a man's mind from adoring you to having him run away and calling for his Mummy in 5 hours... It's an artform, but embarrassingly simple. Say everything he doesn't want to hear. Crush all his one-sided notions about your character and who you really are. Confirm on every turn you're not the relationship kind of girl and honestly you can go without having sex for 2,5 years and not blink an eye. Especially that last little detail will do the trick quite nicely. And mostly act your little heart out. I really did miss my calling.

I liked the guy to start with, but there is something about that Droopy eyed-like look. Those long gazing stares and the feeling of that oh so feared pedestal growing and gaining hight with every damn second, that just drives me bonkers everytime. How come they refuse to see me for who I really am. It's frustrating and confusing. All those preconceptions make me want to scream my head off, instead I do all of the above. I find it unnerving that someone who has only met me once thinks he knows me to the bone. That just brings out the She-Devil in me. And she is not nice, though she looks stunning in red...

But let's end where I started. After a French movie and a reasonable diner, the man looks me straight in the eyes and tells me that he doesn't believe that we could make it as a couple, we would break up eventually in a few years so why start. And oh, oh, I was so like his ex. What? My thoughts hadn't run past the "Hello" stage and mister "I know it all" was already light years ahead.

Now if I'm honest I was thinking that I liked him, but I didn't feel any click what so ever, the Droopy eyes and preconceptions didn't help. But man oh man. Do you have to be so blunt. At least I had the decency to hold my tongue and wait it out a bit. First impressions can be deceiving, I've learned that much. But nooooo, just spit it out, get it of your chest and be done with it. So here I am, spitting fire behind my computer, while really, I got my way. How infuriatingly confusing it is, to be a person with Oestrogen running through her vains. Really who thought of that practical joke... God is definitively NOT a woman.