Breaking My Heart

Some things are just too beautiful...

Painful to watch, 

Heartbreaking to not have seen at all... 

Life is strange... 

Falling

Swan Song

Serenity

Come Closer

Blown Away...

I went hunting for photographs with my good friend J. yesterday. We went to the Maasvlakte (Industrial area next to the river Maas).
It was icy cold, the wind literally blew us away, we got sandblasted...you name it.
But it was a beautiful sunny day, spent in good compagny...so we had a ball...:)

Breathe...

In the mists of my memories,


winds stir and wake unwanted feelings.

Sobbing sadness, longing...


Loneliness so complete and dark,


stars explode before my closed eyes.


Leaving imprints of happier times,


just out of reach.

Drowning in self-pity.


Looking up to see 
diamonds shifting from blues to greens.


So many miles to cross, to break through & breathe.

Breathe in life, hope, air.


Swim & Live


Live & Breathe


Breath & Hope...


Just breathe...

A Sliver of Life...

I have been feeling quite weird lately, been growling and barking a lot, trouble getting out of bed and concentrating in general.
Didn't know what to do with myself until I realised...it's January...my 'I feel depressed, let there be light' kinda month.
Once that mystery was solved it got a bit better. But I still feel a bit under the weather.
Have the feeling that everything and everyone is passing me by with lightning speed and I just don't seem to be able to catch up.
I just want to crawl under a rock or in a corner and wait it out... fortunately for me...this kind of mood always gives me inspiration. And good photos make me happy...I'm coming full circle once again..:)

Lensbaby Bliss

Been playing with my Lensbaby again. Got to love the little bugger.
The weather was bleh all day, so I went hunting for strange flowers and found one...

Purring Like a Little Kitten....

Last week I literally bumped into an old flame of mine.
We met at Oerol a couple of years ago.
He had a bad case of the hick-ups, if I ever saw one.
So I suggested a fun way to get rid of it by sexual oxygen shortage...otherwise know as bad-ass kissing.
For I had walked all over his back on my flip-flops in a full packed bar...and that didn't work.
So what's a helpful young woman got to do then...
The funny thing was...he didn't get it immediately, but when he did...my shortness of breath had nothing to do with lip-action.
And all to do with running and laughing and running at the same time, being dragged across the road in a frenzy...almost passing my tent at a thundering speed.
I really had to throw out the anchors to stop D and me.
And that night..well let's say we really enjoy each-others company.

Somehow he always brings a big smile on my face when we meet.
And the feeling is quite mutual. We have a 1,5 m rule, it's the distance we have to keep if we want to converse in a normal way.
Because when we forget or ... I see his eyes getting that naughty sparkle and feel my eyes glow in return, cheeks flushed.
A step closer and we are in danger of assaulting each-other in a crowded room.
So there he was...that healthy, testosterone hunk of a man. And I felt myself radiating sexual energy all over the place.
Almost surprised I didn't set things on fire. Kissing him on the cheeks, bending over and smelling him, I didn't want to step away. Just being near to him, makes me wanna curl up on his lap and purrrrrrrrrr.

Unfortunately for me, he has a girlfriend and he's totally and utterly in love and loyal to boot. Got to love the man for that. And I'm glad for him, to know that wondering restless soul has found it’s match and is happy.

We were never relationship material. We are on two completely different wavelengths, two big ego's, two creative spirits, too dominant and too attached to our freedom and solitude...but who cares. For when we are near each-other and we don't speak...one hour is enough to make me smile and skip for a week. I’m still skipping...

Happy New Year!!!

Went to Scheveningen this morning to photograph the yearly New Year's Dive. It was crazy. So many people, so much fun, I couldn't get the grin off my face even if I tried. It was sometimes hard to take pictures, because I was laughing so loud, it hurt. So most of my picts aren't as sharp as I wanted to, but I don't mind...I wanna do it again and again and again. Wow, I can trive on these good vibes for weeks...:)
It all seems so quiet when you look at the picts above...but this is what it felt like to be in the middle of it all...

And there were a lot of crazy people out there all dressed up, like carnaval only so much more fun...

Saying Goodbye...

Sometimes life doesn't go as planned, love and dreams are lost ...so I just wait again till dawn and hope that tomorrow will bring me new insights, more power to be myself and just let go of old hurts and new ones dawning. Saying goodbye to old me, people who keep hurting me over and over again. I've decided to give myself what I so desperately long for from others...am letting go...and waiting...

Fingers Crossed

I'm shooting photo's for an architecture brochure. They want me to do it in my own style, so that's scary and exciting at the same time. For 'my' style isn't a consistent thing, it's amorph, slippery and stubborn as hell. But in spite of the freezing cold weather yesterday, the fact that I was very cranky (you would be too with feet as popsicles), it all didn't seem to influence my photography one bit. Luckily for me...I came back with some good shots. It was such lovely weather, blue skies, warm, hard light (and the Antarctic cold...well lets forget all about that shall we?). I biked for hours for I don't know The Hague that well. When I couldn't find a spot of graffiti I had searched the net for, I called an old friend and he guided me towards it. Am very grateful for that one, had almost given up after searching for more then an hour. So thanx to him it ended up being a good day.
I have to go back one more time I think. To photograph the traditional plunge in sea by thousands and thousands of crazy Dutch people at New Years day and some picts of the pier and such. Am looking forward to the dive...have been wanting to put that on film/chip for a long time, but hangovers can be such a bother...:) So this year no party for me, just going to bed early and enjoying the ecstatic faces of mad people storming me by and running, jumping and screaming towards that bitter cold sea....brrrrr.

But before I do that, I somehow have to clean my sensor, for it seems I have had a duststorm in my little baby...:( Bummer.

Christmas Morning

This year it was a happy Christmas...full of laughter, good food and warm compagnionship. This morning I enjoyed my brunch with my personal Brady Bunch...children running around, an abundance of foodies, fun and just being happy. I was the personal family photographer, my brother managed to wrench my cam out of my hands and take some photo's himself...of me of course...grrr. Yesterday was fun too, got a bit drunk in the proces...listing to a 100 year old playbox...playing old songs my uncle could sing to. All and all I had a ball and hope next year will be better still.

Tossing and Turning

Wild Horses..couldn't drag me away

I've been playing with my cam again, twirling around in the park, making my head spin and people looking at me like I've lost it.
But had so much fun. It always feels good to know we are still such good friends and he can still surprise me with something totally unexpected and exiting...I love surprises...:) Happy holidays...

Wedding Bells and Ribbon Fantasies

My dear friend E. is getting married next august. I remember us meeting when we were barely 16 years old, how time flies. And still after all these years, being with her feels like coming home, I am always so welcome in that big heart of hers.

My heart swelled with emotion and pride to see her so beautifully dressed today, eyes sparkling and being serious at the same time. Taking her time to get what she wants, thinking things through, feeling her own femininity like no-one I know. I can’t help smiling when I see her like that...pure womanly power, smart as a whip.

The time flew by and before we knew it, we were on the train leaving Amsterdam with an increasing speed. Sharing an iPod together listening to music and dreaming away on the sorrowful words of Adele with ‘To make you feel my love’, being touched to the core by Jeff Buckley’s ‘Hallelujah’, feeling the deep voice of Johnny Cash vibrating and plucking at heartstrings.

A day spend in good company, good food and deep soulful conversation, who wouldn’t want to do that. I even fulfilled a longtime wish...I finally got into a corset and loved it. The feel, the look, the way it changed how I look at myself in the mirror, embracing my femininity. I think I’m gonna give myself a real beautiful present soon...:)

Thanx E. for this wonderful day, for sharing it with me and just being your loveble self...

Wintertime In My Hometown...

I've been strolling and eating and photographing the whole day with my friend Miss D. We haven't seen eachother for over 6 months and it felt so good to speak to her, snapshot side by side and just hang out. It was bitter cold, but we made the most of it. And it became quite an eatfest. But boy, did we have fun. Thanx D, till we meet again....:)



Miss D. also shot some lovely pict of my cat Thom and me. I think these are the first photo's ever where we are on one pict at the same time...so that's a great gift. She's a great artist /photographer / painter. So go check out her website if you want to see some beauties.... www.leijdekkers.nl/ or her ImageCreative account.

London Calling (day 3)

Waking up to see a beautiful view, colours bouncing of the buildings across the water, like city gems showing of their shine. It felt again like home. A memory of a sunrise ages ago popped up to fill me with childhood memories of waking up on the deck of our ship. Pink sky, little swirls of mist, birds diving, playing and skipping the surface of the water. Horses grazing or standing a bit dazed in pastures heavy with dew and sparkling with the promise of a new day. My third day in London started out good, a promise of the things to come.

Then mister D. opened his laptop and panic broke out. So much to do, so much to do. I just smiled, I had intended to explore the surroundings for 2 days now and I would like some time on my own, just strolling around, talking to people and taking in the sights. Thinking about the last couple of days and letting it all sink in. So I grabbed my cam, kissed him goodbye and inhaled the fresh morning air.

I enjoyed my little trip to the end of the dock very much. Taking pictures that my friend described as “Only you can go to London and come back with pictures like this.” Meaning you really have no clue what or where the pictures are taken. But I know and so they are like little memory cards stacked away in my little room upstairs. For me to pick up and ponder on, now that I’m back home. Somehow it’s just too quiet.




It was surprising how I felt at home standing at the dock of the bay. Overlooking the Dome, watching the container homes stacked 4 stories high. The feel of this artist community so felt like my own home, the air sizzling with creative energy. The quiet, the water, the view, everything felt familiar. As if I have been here a thousand times before and still can get caught up in the feel of this place…the edge of the world in the middle of a metropolis. “I could live here” …the thought crossed my mind briefly and I was dumbfounded. Me, the one who always wanted to get away, see far horizons, travel the world…but always stayed home. Me…the one who couldn’t stand the thought of being far away from friends, family and all that is familiar…that me? Let go of everything and everyone and just go. I didn’t know I had it in me…but now I do.



My little trip to the new edge of my world ended up in an American diner on the edge of the water called Fatboy’s Diner. I walked into the mid fifties in one little step and almost expected to find Elvis sitting at the counter eating an early morning burger. To honour his memory I ordered potato peelings with chili and sourcream and the first Coke I had in ages. Sipping my drink and savouring each bite, I watched the customers come and go, talk to the Italian owner with his big eyes and curly hair. The owner was very talkative and I was curious how he ended up here. So he shared the short version of his life story with me. He came to London to improve his English, fell in love with the city, bought this diner and never looked back…and that was 15 years ago. I just smiled…


And before I knew it, I was eating a tasty cabbage/union/bacon lunch with mister D. and was whisked away to the train station once more.
These last hours seemed to have slowed down to a mere halt and then time pressed a ferocious FFW and suddenly I was sitting in the car, kissing lips I knew I wouldn’t feel for quite some time. And then I was out the door, into the train, through the tunnel and out of the country. When I will be seeing that beautiful English sky…I don’t know. But I know one thing, it will have been to long.

I have learned a lot about myself this weekend and have a lot to think about. But if there is one thing I have…then it’s time…let’s hope it spreads it’s wings and flies fast and true.