London Calling (day 2)

After a bit of a short night, I woke up at 6.00 o’clock, alarm ringing in my ear. Oh I just wanted to snuggle up, pull up the blankets, hide my head under a pile of cushions and be in Lala land for another hour or 2. But the alarm was merciless and well…I was the one who said she wanted to go to the fishmarket early in the morning…so up up up. And out we went, streets deserted, sun still resting…sleepy eyed driving along and finding the doors locked. No market, not on Sunday, it took us a while to digest this, but hell, it was 6.30 o’clock on a Sunday morning. But after a while our brains caught up and we turned with a vengeance and jumped right into bed…Yippieeeeeee. A bed never felt this good. Would have loved to get some fisheggs, but sometimes a bed is just more fun…J

After this slow, bumpy start we had a really nice breakfast…bacon, poached egg and toast. Cooked for me by 2 men…I was in heaven.



And then we were of and went to the National Portrait Gallery to see a life work exhibition of the female photographer Annie Leibovitz. And I just got blown away, gripping portraiture, stunning black and whites. Somehow she just seems to capture the human soul. I often have seen portraits where it seems the people on it aren’t really there. They seem a bit detached, but with her they are painfully there. Looking at you with a staggering understanding you are watching them, but really…they are looking at you. And it just made me swallow hard. There was one self-portrait that just ripped my guts out and twisted them hard. She was lying in a bathtub naked, her hand over the breast that is just not there anymore. It was so gripping, brought back so many memories flashing before my eyes. I had to try really hard not to start crying my heart out just there and then. I looked at mister D and saw a distance that hadn’t been there all weekend and I suspected a similar powerful feeling of sorts. The overwhelming power of her pictures got to him I guess. I asked him later… I already suspected the answer.



After eating the stew that had been brewing since Saturdaynight mister D took me to his local pub and we sat before a fireplace overlooking the water and the beautifully lit Dome. I think I can acquire a taste for Cider and good conversation. We made a real mess by feeding the poor fireplace pistachio nutshells. I kind of hoped they would pop and shoot into space or something. Though I had planned to keep it light this weekend, it did get a bit emotional. But the fact that it didn’t seem to be a problem for him or me, just confirms that something special is going on. It was an unusual easygoing weekend, it just fit like a glove. Surrendering to someone is something I normally find hard to do. But somehow it just happened and it felt good, relaxed, no feminist bullshit rising it’s ugly head… just fun, light and sparkly. To be treated like a princess is something I can get used to. Where it will go…I don’t know, but I’m curious.

London Calling (day 1)

Taking a leap of fate…I stepped on the train Saturday morning and set of to London. Feeling a bit nervous and giddy at the same time, miles flew by and I submerged from under the watery Channel to see a beautiful English sky welcoming me. Before I knew it, I was checking out and stepping onto St. Pancras station. Japanese were all over the place, following their ‘umbrella’ leader like good little sheep. I just looked at them with a feeling of confused amusement. Looking around I felt a bit anxious…. where was he? Could it be possible that I was stood up, having come all the way to London? Ignoring nervous bubbles in my stomach I took the stairs and got to the top of the station to watch the beautiful clockwork towering over it like a faithful guardian. On the platform was a statue of the poet sir John Betjeman looking up. But that was not what interested me…the words engraved in the floor around it where just staggeringly beautiful. Painting images, echoing and bouncing inside my head. Making me feel light-headed.

"And in the shadowless unclouded glare. Deep blue above us fades to whiteness where. A misty sea-line meets the wash of air."
By Cornish Cliffs

And then he was coming up the stairs and I couldn’t restrain the smile that broke my face in half. It was good to see him again. It only had been two weeks, I really didn’t know what to expect. But the rush of glowing sparkles running up my back told me I was ok. Just keeping my fingers crossed I watched him get closer and closer still. Looking into his eyes, it felt a bit like coming home. How strange to not really know someone and feel right at home and comfortable as if I have known him forever.

And then off we went…to the The London Eye (Millennium Wheel). Walking hand in hand with light so beautiful, backlighting Big Ben, the Millenium Wheel and all the heads of the people swirling underneath me. I so wanted to go on the wheel but the queue was just too much. And standing underneath it and looking up in awe was enough for me.
I got a bit distracted anyway…



Walking along the Thames with the setting sunlight streaking and vibrating, painting beautiful pictures of all the people that were gathering around…it felt a bit like being in Paris. As soon as the sun set, it got silly cold though and we decided to go to a local Wine bar Gordan’s. The atmosphere in there was just amazing. We were in catacombs so low you could almost bump your head on the ceiling. That and the low lighting created a very intimate feel to the place. I already felt giddy when I first stepped into this bar. But after a couple of glasses of good wine, I felt like skipping and singing and and and…then we kissed… And I could have lit the whole city for an hour.

On the way home we got some amazing sushi and then we were on the boat to the Docklands, speeding over the Thames, lights dancing on the water. Music rushing through and over us, looking at each other with foolish grins and twinkly eyes. I just felt so spoiled and pampered to the bone. Out of the boat and into a London taxi I saw a fox passing us by, just around the corner of his house. And like a little kid, I just kept jumping up and down shouting….”A fox, look a fox, a fox….damn…a FOX” A fox in the middle of London who could imagine. I love those beasties, the smart eyes, the fluffy ears, beautiful red coat and the prancing and light gait. It felt like a promise, a sign or just a small wonder. And then we were home….

Antwerpen in a nutshell

A trip to Antwerpen from back to front... Had fun, seen a lot of beautiful things, met crazy people, ate the most delicious pizza ever. Saw the most amazing pictures of a photograper named Marie-Francoise Plissart. Had very good company and enjoyed myself very much. 

Intuition

It’s been gone a very long while...my tack sharp intuition, but I believe all the yoga and meditation is opening a door I thought closed. The little coincidences that aren’t coincidences. The hints that for some reason get magnified as if to tell me something and then it’s right... strange and such a big relief to have it back, even if it’s just a little. I have felt like I had lost an arm or a leg for such a long time... It feels like breathing, finally getting that big gasp or air you have needed and longed for, for such a long time... Air, guidance and sparkle... opening me up to a world lost....now found। Rome here I come... :)

Hair Gue / Glue

Ieeeeeee I went to a new hairdresser, she cut my hair nice and easy, but the gue she put in. You won’t believe it! I just washed my hair 8 times...8 f... times and it’s still in. Like bubblegum caught in hair and the only way to get rid of it is getting your clippers and mow every hair of your head....Blehhhh. Not amused. 8 Times, 8 TIMES...damn...hope I can get it out tomorrow morning...:( But the hair looks nice.

Till We Meet Again...

Memory Rebirth

My memory has never been my strongest asset. And I never really minded, till I lost my mother and with each passing day my memories of her began to fade as well. It is like losing her all over again and somehow that hurts even more then the first time. I have decided long ago, that to reclaim those lost memories and gather new, I will ask everybody who has held her in their hearts to share a few memories with me. It’s time to start that journey, I’m a bit frightened to take the first step. I don’t know where this path will lead me. But it’s time and I’m on my way.

Here are some questions I would like to ask the people I will be interviewing...

• How did you meet my mother?
• Has she made a difference in your life?
• What is your fondest or most special moment with her? It can be sad, funny or deeply felt.
• What did you like about her the most?
• What was she like as a person? (kid, woman, wife, friend and mother)
• What has she meant to you in life and what has her death meant to you personally?
• How was she before and after she had me? Did she change? Can you tell me something about the period she was pregnant with me?
• How did she cope with the death of my big brother?
• What can you tell me about her marriage with my father and the period after their divorce?
• If there is one decision you think she should have done differently, what would that be?
• Can you tell me an anecdote of my mother I don’t know? About her childhood, her relationship with her family, boyfriends, school, work, holiday, life philosophy, me etc.
• What was her opinion of herself and how did you see her?
• How did you experience the last days of my mother and what is your last memory of her?
• What do you miss about her most?
• If you could talk to her now, what would you like to say to her?

With these questions I hope to recover and create memories of my mother, the way she stood in life and love and how she was as a child. I also hope to fill in some large blindspots that we never got round to. I hope to breath life into the memory of this beautiful and loving woman, who was special to so many people. But mostly I hope to feel her stepping beside me on my road in life once again...and this time to stay.

How to go to work and fail....

I was all fired up yesterday about starting fresh this morning...arriving very early at my job (am always late) and go at it like a fire-starter (so much to do). I should know by now, that’s not how it works. And when ever I get a thought like that, my inner alarms should go off like there’s no tomorrow. But of course...THAT...didn’t happen.
Put my buzzer at 6 o’clock, planning a little morning yoga, getting a good breakfast (porridge), enjoying a longgggg shower. But of course....THAT...didn’t happen either. I went to bed so early yesterday night, had a freak nightmare that stood all my hairs on end at 3 o’clock in the morning. Wondered through the house for an hour and then fell asleep to never wake up in time, slamming my buzzer to oblivion and well didn’t get a good start. But well why stop there? Why not make it a ‘little’ bit worse...hey why not? (How do I hate that Murphy).

Got on the train just in time...and that got a grin on my face...for I could sit for once. Arrived at Schiedam to stumble and almost getting thrown off by the immense crowd gathering and blocking my way to my favorite spot on the platform. Again...alarm-bells should have been whaling, jumping up and down and screaming bloody murder... But of course....THAT....will NEVER happen. So I sat down, froze by butt off, chatted to an acquaintance and got colder and colder and...well...colder and still no train in sight. Then a voice, booming like God descended on earth himself, said in a casual way “Due to an unexpected delay in maintenance we are sad to report that all trains to The Hague, Leiden and Amsterdam will not be driving today. Substitute trains will be put in, but when and where they will arrive at this station is not known. Please stay tuned and listen to the announcer for more information.” What the f... I’m cold, the platform looks like a beehive in a frenzy, how am I ever gonna get on a train, let alone work?

Well I don’t of course. For 2 trains 1/3 of their usual size arrived within an hour, arriving totally crammed up with people. You could see the people inside being pressed against the glass and the doors and I’m suppose to get in there? Hell no. But as a good employee trying to get to work, I did try. I really did, to the point that I tried to highjack the back of the train where the driver sits when the train is going the other way. Some people managed to get in, but well...I got kicked out. And I was so bloody cold, I was ready to cry or start shouting to no-one or anything in particular, a pole would do... Arrrrggggghhhhh. So I took a deep breath, thought things through and called my boss to tell him I was not going to make it today. I would switch my usual day off for today and I’m gonna ly in bed and try to get warm...which eventually happened after...4 hours or so...brrrrrrrrr.

I’m ok now, but what a way to start my week. Now what’s the lesson to be learned from this? Forget good intentions, you either just do it, or you forget about it totally. For if you don’t, Murphy will surely be making a house-call and then you’ll be sorry...:)

PS: If I'm really honest and I mean reaaaallllyyy honest, I wasn't feeling up to working today. Had a bit of a confusing, exiting and strange weekend. So on retrospect....that Murphy isn't so bad at all, maybe I should give him a ring and thank him. Mmm maybe I'll just do that. 

Floating on Passion Road

Been a bit restless tonight, so went snooping in my computer and stumbled unto the 'music'files I used for my artproject last summer. Never got around to placing them on the net. Won't show you the samples of the interviews we took, but just the few files my friends and I taped. They are samples of my favorit poems and the unforgetable song "Ne me quitte pas". 

This is in words where I was going for with this project...

"Close your eyes, breath in deeply, 

hear how the wind softly wispers in the trees 

and feel how your toes are just touching 

the water underneath your feet. 

You're at a lake, so silent and still, 

you can see your whole world reflected upside down. 

It's quiet but then you hear a sweet voice just out of reach. 

It's like listening to people talking while you are floating in water, 

your ears just beneath the surface. 

The sound grows, you can almost hear...

It fades away and comes nearer to you still. 

Words are dancing over the water in waves of soft murmers 

caressing and teasing you. 

Telling you about loves lost, unending sadness, 

playful joy, childlike wonder and radiant happiness.

Your eyes are still closed, 

a soft radiance is starting to come through, 

it's warm and pleasant and fills your heart with joy. 

The light begins to dance and play with the voices, 

playing hide and seek...

slowly the light increases and so do the murmers. 

You feel a joy building up inside you, ready to explode...

you're dancing, dancing with the light, floating on the water, 

touched by the voices that surround you... 

Bliss.... 

and then it's gone... 

The silence drums in your ears, 

it's your turn to break the silence,

tell the world your hidden dreams,

 your most precious thoughts.

 

The next day when you walk along the lake, 

you'll hear your heart beating,

drumming your dreams, your joys, 

whispering your broken heart. 

But you're not alone, 

more souls join in.

 What was once painfull joy

 blends into a song....

a celibration of life, 

a celibration of you....

breathhhhhe."

Industrial Midwinter's Dream

Had a surprising day today. Beyond expectation I managed to slip away from my job, travel to an industrial harbor area in Rotterdam, battle wind, storm and hail and stood in a photostudio, meeting mister D. for the first time and holding very expensive camera's in my hand...pure bliss. Was very nice meeting mister D., was just too short a time. Was quite nervous to be honest. Had no idea where I was going or what and who I was going to find when I arrived. So I blasted my brains out with Yogamantra's on my iPod. It made for a very strange movielike experience... Traveling through Rotterdam, seeing the strangest things, getting out at the last busstop to go to the last building on a endless street, being hammered by hail and walking through all kinds of industrial stuff. And all the while the ecstatic and soothing sounds of Yoga and Peru like sounds filled my heart and ears. The contrast was so big and strange it was really rediculous. And made me grin most of the time, which people seemed to find quite strange...:)

On my way back to the bus stop, I shot some photo's I really like. They are a bit cruchy, but I like the feel of them. No idea what it is...but I like them anyway...:) 

Mister D. had a blast, hope to meet you soon.

Ancient Tree

There is an ancient tree in Vlaardingen. It's a very special tree for you can walk straight through it. It's a couple of centuries old and it feels safe and peaceful to stand inside this big fellow and just look around. It's amazing what you can see, standing inside a tree...:)

Through The Viewfinder

I have found a new hobby...TTV (Through The Viewfinder). Got to love it, only I do it in PS, but if you don't tell, I won't either...:)

A new series in the making. 2x Lensbaby and 1x old 50mm lens.

On My Way to Work

My first video. This a part of my daily bikeride
to my work. Think I'm gonna do this more often.
I kinda like it. So more to come...

Where are you...man of my dreams?

Found these beautiful lyrics on Red Bubble.com. It's written by Rock. I would love to have a man whisper them in my ear by the light of the full moon. Someday. Somewhere...maybe.

Well it's a marvelous night for a moondance

With the stars up above in your eyes

A fantabulous night to make romance

'neath the color of October skies.

And all the leaves on the trees are falling 

To the sound of the breezes that blow

And I'm trying to please to the calling

Of your heartstrings that play soft and low.

You know the nights magic, seems to whisper and hush,

You know the soft moonlight, seem to shine-In your blush

Can I just have one more moondance with you-my love?

Can I just make some more romance with you-my love?

Well I wanna make love to you tonight,

I can't wait till the morning has come

And I know now the time is just right,

and straight into my arms you will run.

And when you come my heart will be waiting.

To make sure that you're never alone

There and then all my dreams will come true dear,

There and then I will make you my own.

Traveling First Class

Once in a while I treat myself on a first class train-ticket. It so insanely crowded in the morning, I sometimes feel imaginary little Japanese men push me into a train that can't possibly hold more people then it does now...but I have to get/jump/dive in. And while I'm struggling not to touch 20 sweaty persons p/m2 all at once, I remember the station wagon passing me by like a heaven of tranquility...first class...laptops on laps, utter silence, room to breath, room to move, fresh air... not recycled a trillion times...

So sometimes I just indulge myself and buy this overly expensive ticket. But somehow it doesn't feel right, I enter with a feeling of utter misplacement. Sure that everyone looks up and knows I don't belong. Knows that I'm just a second class pirate sneaking into their realm, ready to bolt at the first sign of a ticket-collector. And the feeling never seems to wanna go away, not even the delicious seats that curve just right around my back, seem to let me forget... But when I finally exhale, something always happens, like a couple entering with a very noisy, annoying little brat of a kid. A person sitting next to me, wiggling about, sneezing and radiating utter stress. First class isn't what it's supposed to be to me.

I hope some day I will sit in my dearly payed seat, oblivious to my suroundings...relaxed and f...ing enjoying my money's worth.
That will be the day.

Dreams For Sale

I finally found a site where I can sell my photo's. I'm so glad. If you want to buy something you like and it's not for sale on this site. Please leave me a message and I will make it avalable to you...:) 

Wheeeee

I got a bit spoiled today. Not only did I receive my Lensbaby + Macro kit. I also got my Tamron 17-50 mm from my boss. I'm in heaven...:)

Here are my first shots with the Lensbaby...we prove to be quite compatable...:)

Things to look Forward to

I can't wait, it's almost there...my first Lensbaby is on the mail.
I've been drowning myself in Lensbaby tutorials, photographs and interviews.
The anticipation is rising like crazy. I'm so curious what this lens will do for my photography.It's such a different way to look at the world and handle your camera... Wish it was here already...big drums...this is it...

Hongary...Boldogasszonyfa

Somehow I forgot or just didn't come around to posting a blog about my vacation with 7 photographers and 2 artists in Hungary, how I kidnapped a little dog named 'Boldo' to Holland and how I had just the greatest time ever. Well...there's no time like the present, so...

It started with an innocent e-mail to a favorite photographer of mine. She organized a photo meeting with some people I really wanted to meet, but I just couldn't make it. So I asked if she could warn me a bit in advance the next time, because I really wanted to come along. Got a mail back to call her right away and the first question was...'How about a meeting of...say...about a week'....'Er...' was my very intellectual answer...'Er....I would love to' and so the deal was sealed. Never met any of the people who were coming along, would ride with a total stranger for 2 days to and from Hungary. But I needed a vacation and I really wanted to meet some of the people who where coming along too. So I plunged in and never looked back and never regretted it since. What a rush.

The people were very nice, learned a lot, laughed a lot and enjoyed good company whenever I wanted to. Had a room the size of my own house, we even had a swimming pool (for G... sake). Found out I'm a bit of a dessert queen and made some friends along the way.

24 hours making pictures, looking at pictures, photoshopping pictures, talking about pictures, composition, lighting. Watching movies from my very talented driver, making an exposition, dreaming of pictures, camera's, shots missed, shots not yet taken...it was pure lunacy. And I loved every minute of it.

We all fell in love with a little stray dog who adopted us and we called him Boldo after the town we were in (Boldogasszonyfa). We went in search of his owner but couldn't find him/her and so it was decided that I would take him to Holland and so I got myself a dog. Unfortunately my new boss, wasn't to charmed with the idea of having a dog around all day. So when I came home the search and mission 'Find Boldo a new home' started with a vengeance. Everybody did his best and within a week we found him an owner who is such a loving and wonderful woman...the dog is in dog heaven..believe me. And everyone who meets the little bugger falls in love straight away. Almost everyone in Wassenaar wants to walk or babysit him. He's the new king.

So much for the little dog named Boldo. I took some great shots in Hungary, got inspired to the max and was totally drained by the time I got back to Holland and started my new job. Exhausted...but in a good way. Here are some pictures I took...hope you enjoy...:)

Bye Bye Zomerterras

It's over again, 4 weekends of music, streetartists, hanging in the park with friends, dancing, taking pictures... Such a pity, but had a blast, can't wait till next year. The afterparty last night was fun too, thanx André. Had fun.